Lord, let me love it.

Please don't destroy my fondest childhood memories with a bunch of trendy nonsense.

If only denial wasn't such a bad thing...

I never realized how truth, light, and honesty can be so terrifying. Perhaps the fear is born out of the darkness in which you find yourself living. You can live in this place for so long that it gives itself and you a sense of normalcy. Then, without warning, something happens that awakens your heart and you know that you have been wrong the entire time. I have this pain in my stomach because I have taken the first step in banishing a certain negativity from my life. I feel like I'm at the start of a difficult journey that I need to take... but I fear I lack the strength to complete it. I want to complete it. The better half of my being knows what's right. To know better can allow shame to overtake you. I know better- but knowing and doing/living are two entirely different things. No one can escape their life without encountering challenges, trials, etc or without being tested in some way. All of these things plus the outcome make up a testimony. It seems I have found what is to be mine... if only I can survive the process of healing. Do you ever just feel wicked? I'm sorry. For my continued failure, I am sorry.

... and Christmas was beautiful.

This year marked a change in the familial Christmas celebrations. We met at a different place, ate different food, and celebrated with new family members. There has been a slow evolution with my family and the progression is most easily noted around the holidays- the one time of the year where most all members make time for one another. The concrete memories I have of my family which I came to collect in the formative years of my life (family members of the immediate and extended variety) are the standard by which I measure all other holidays gatherings. Each year is always a little different than the last. At one time I used to really frown upon changes etc but with maturity and age has come a personal resignation to except things for the way that they are. It is much easier to delight in the moment when your focus is on the way things are as opposed to the way you want them to be.

This holiday season I was almost moved to tears when I took time in the quiet moments to simply think about how much love I have for my family. It is impossible for me to image living a life without their pressence in my heart. I love you. I love you. I love You.