"No treasured possessions were endangered in this experiment."

Bears in space.

There are so many moments throughout the day when I wonder what is happening to me and where my feelings are going. I'll think to myself, "Gosh, you are starting to get so cynical about this life of yours. Knock it off!" But then I stumble upon a news story about Cambridge University launching four teddy bears into outer space and I start to feel all warm and fuzzy. That's a good thing.



All being done in an effort to foster children's interest in the space program, I couldn't help but think this to be one of the cutest things I've seen in quite a long time.

Well, not counting puppies and bf's, of course.

Closing thought: I like twinkle lights and cold, cold weather.

Pretty things.

I can't wait to one day have the means to buy myself the occasional pretty thing. If I currently had the appropriate means I would buy this pretty thing.



This solarise lamp shade makes me want a nice throw and a good book...maybe some hot chocolate tooooo.

I currently have 4-7 entries saved as drafts because I just can't seem to find the time to finish any of them and/or make them sound the way I want them to... perhaps over the holidays the time will be found? Lots of ideas and lots of commentary... just so little time.

Even so, this is what is on my mind right now-

This weeks lesson: What you have and what you do with a little is what you will do with quite a lot. If only I had the smarts to expound on that like Matt Chandler. I can't verbalize it like he did but I feel the meaning in my heart. Good enough.

There really isn't any preparation time for the person you hope to be/become... you are that person right now. Live for now... or as Gabriel's mom likes to say "be thankful for this moment for this moment is your life." She probably stole that from somewhere but I'll give her the credit anyhow.

Sometimes I am completely bowled over by the strangest food craving. I am currently having a craving for lavender and saffron ice cream...? But I've never had it before. How can I crave something that I have never ever had? I DON'T know... even though I've never had it I can still imagine what it must taste like. And I want some. Preferably now.

I have been living inside so many children's books this semester- living in the pictures and in the words. There really is nothing better than a classic children's story. I don't know that I like it for the memories it brings back to me or the hope of the memories I may receive in the future... (you know? when I'm reading those stories to my children)

Happy Thoughts

I'm about as deep as a puddle today and have nothing to offer but these few thoughts that I am going to deem worthy of an entry.

1. Trix is just Fruity Pebbles in puff form.

2. I can't wait to adopt my English bull terrier. I've been coming up with a list of possible names and they are as follows: Griswold, Rogen, Noodles, Nicholson, Marco, Frank. I'm partial to Noodles for some reason but who knows what name will fit? I'll just have to wait and see.

3. Sundays are my favorite day of the week. My schedule consists of the following: The Village, homework, nap, homework, Oriental Gardens to go, rec, homework, sleep.

4. I have been home once this semester and I probably won't return until the holidays. Tis sad. I need hugs from the mom and pops almost on a daily basis. Any ol' hug would do though!.. unless I think you're gross. Then you can't touch me.

5. I am concocting a new cookie recipe for the holidays. Peanut butter and white chocolate chunk cookies. I think they are going to be righteous.

6. Not to be superficial... but it is really neat loosing 65 lbs. and being half the size you were this time last year. A new winter coat is in order to celebrate. I fancy one from anthropologie so I guess I'll start saving now.

7. Loudon in Austin in 25 days :)

Get me out of here.

I feel like I am getting attacked like crazy lately. Things just keep coming at me in a lot of different areas. I'm not playing the victim card because I know I can withstand it. I just have to build up walls and be watchful because I am so weak. I'm so weak, and hurt, and alone, and scared. I can’t shut up and I can’t be quiet inside my own head and it is truly truly driving me crazy. For reasons that I'm not even really aware of, I’m feeling a lot of hurt right now and I’m feeling very broken and empty. The worst part is that no one is around so no one really knows and that leaves me without any kind of support system. I'm so bad about bottling up my bad/sad feelings. I don't know how to call up my friends and say 'things are rough and I need you.'I'm not too proud to ask for help... I just don't know how to do it. I'm strong and I know it. I'm fragile and I know it. There are challenging things I can withstand but sometimes the smallest thing can just completely destroy me. Why? Right now all I can say is that I need a friend like I’m a friend. I need my kind of thoughtfulness to be acted on me.... if that makes sense..? I can't always be there for myself. Sometimes I need other people too. There is so much to do and so much to get done. All I want to do is go to sleep so I can run away from it all but that's not an option. I'm at the threshold of something that is about to rip me wide open. So many obstacles in my way are bigger than I am and today I just feel that I am no good. Better luck tomorrow.

Time to get superficial!

I'm a hair virgin. I've never dyed it or anything because I like to keep it natural. But lately I've had a real hankering to change color. I think I am going to try to get brave and maybe by Christmas time I'll have the courage to look like my lady crush.



Red hair and green eyes: a perfect color combo for the holiday season.

Thanks for the inspiration Julianne "hottie" Moore. Smooches to you and yours.

Food Philosophy

As I have said before I feel like I have grown tremendously within the past year or so. Much of this growth can be attributed to what I would consider to be both an internal and external transformation.

It all began with a new approach to becoming a healthy human being. Not to sound too much like a late night infomercial here but, I was unhealthy, overweight, and unhappy as a result. I had attempted to alleviate these afflictions before through typically traditional methods that most women turn to in their pursuit to become thin and “beautiful.” Dieting, shortcuts, etc… Many of these methods can lead one to temporary success but it seems inevitable to find yourself right back were you began. None of these ways are effective and I think it is due in large part to the fact that the goal you may have in mind is a selfish, small, and narcissistic one. At least that’s how it was in my case. I didn’t even really foresee myself being led in this direction, but at some point I realized that there were bigger ideas attached to my crusade to become a healthier person.

First off, the vehicle for all of this came from my decision to reject our Western ideas about food. Food has become so much more than it should be in this country. It’s a source of comfort, a form of entertainment, and a type of filler for the chasm that exists in the lives of people for one reason or another. The food situation has gotten way out of hand over here because there is just SO much of it (distribution is another story, though). Our abundance of food and our propensity for wasting it is a gross and shameful exercise in our Western way of life. How much do we really need? How much should other people have by comparison?

I will be the first to admit that food has taken all of the above forms in my life. Even now…every once in awhile. Yeah, I enjoy a night out with friends and bountiful supplies of yummy international foods. I love baking ridiculous amounts of cookies and goods for friends and loved ones. But the latter is really just what enables me to love on people and communicate to them, “Hey, I like/love you. I want you to know that I care about you and I hope this makes you smile.” So, I suppose I can dismiss that as being a bad thing. But I digress… I guess what I mean to convey is that I feel guilty to live in a place with (for the most part) such bountiful food resources.

I suppose it is this level of consciousness that has led me to realize that we (ahem, I) don’t ever really need as much as we (ahem, ahem….I) may think (a very true statement that can be applied to many different areas of one’s life). I have always known that there are people out there who live on far less than I do… and somehow seem to manage. In a time when it has become exceedingly crucial to understand what events are taking place in the world, I have grown to understand just how bad off some people are in terms of basic necessities, like food and drink. Why should I be scavenging for something to eat in the cupboard while I’m watching Letterman in my cozy house when children in India are lucky to have had a single bowl of rice to eat that day? It all comes down to the fact that many of us in this country don’t really know what hunger is or what it feels like. I’m only using India as one example. I’m keen enough to know that there are tons of people in this country who are at a disadvantage and in need of help as well. The main point: food distribution is a big problem. Why is it that there is so much in certain regions and not enough in others? How can I (ahem, we) fix this? I know there are a lot of obstacles that stand in the way and I’m certain that I am not smart enough to understand them all but even so… there are people out there who are hurting and surely something can be done to help. Arms extended- what should I do?

Soooo basically, learning to think this way has made it difficult to gorge myself on junk food. By eating less do I think I am someone performing a service for the disadvantaged? No. Psh, holy smokes! I don’t fancy myself a Gandhi-type. But this level of consciousness might lead in to something bigger in the future and I’m on the watch for what that might be.

Secondly, I have delved deep into the world of organic food. I’ve done so cautiously seeing as how it has become very en vogue these days and with that comes scores and scores of people looking to take advantage of the fad and collect a pretty penny from unsuspecting consumers. When I started to really think about my motives behind consuming organic foods I discovered that they were primarily for reasons of faith. I don’t hold true to a strictly organic diet like a Jewish person might to a Kosher diet. I don’t hold myself to any strict dietary laws. However, since faith does come into play here, I suppose the reasoning could be similar. In my mind I try to see things in their purest form- the way they were created by God. Food, as God’s creation, should be pure. Frankly, it really grosses me out to think of all of the things in our food that we consume- things we don’t even know about… things we can’t even pronounce. Manmade additives, preservatives, pesticides, antibiotics, and other chemicals destroy the purity of food as God created it. Our bodies and systems where all designed purely. So when additives etc. enter our clean and pure systems engineered to work perfectly by God, the balance is thrown off and our bodies don’t know what to do with these unfamiliar manmade agents. I think so many types of cancer and other modern-day sicknesses can all be traced back to the fact that the food we are consuming has been so grossly defiled by the hands of man. It is an idea that may sound simple and stupid but it makes sense in my mind. There are other reasons for eating organic- reasons of ethics and other social issues…sustainable agriculture, health benefits, the humane treatment of animals etc… the rambling could go on for paragraphs. Side note: I have wondered more than once if I might become a vegetarian or a vegan in the future. The reason for that would mainly be because I heart animals so much but I am struggling with what the religious significance of that choice might be. I’m sure I am taking the verse out of context but I know in Romans somewhere it is said that those who eat only veggies are weak..?? And God did outline a whole host of animals that we can consume. But if He wanted me to eat ‘em he probably should have thought twice about makin’ them so adorable. I wouldn’t mind eating Kosher meat. At least that way I would know that the animal didn’t suffer. But then again, I don’t really know of many Kosher, organic delis or meat markets around these parts. Wow. World’s worst digresser… or best? Moving on: Side note Side note: I’m not fooled. Organic food is big time business with big time price tags to match- but being a cautious consumer, researching companies before purchasing from them, and making sure that all food said to be organic is actually certified to be so by the USDA, I think I have been able to avoid being swindled a time or two. It’s easy to lament about the money spent, but I am willing to cut corners other places to be able to eat organic whenever I can.

Third, it’s nice to expend some major energy in the rec. To preface, there really is no getting around it. I was a fatty. Not such a good look. I had such a poor pooooor opinion of myself and it showed in my demeanor and spilled over into every possible area of my life. In fact, negative thoughts consumed a lot of the free space in my brain. Most of my day-to-day internal dialogue consisted of “Oh man, I’m too fat to be in public. I bet everyone is looking at how big I am. I bet I am totally going to die alone.” Etc. Wow. Well, that’s the tone of those past thoughts, anyway. My mental health definitely wasn’t at its best. But the main point here is that all of that negativity DISTRACTED me in a really major way from other things in life that actually matter. There was something about myself that I didn’t like. So I fixed it. Done. In doing that, I was able to banish mostly all of the self-absorption and self-loathing from my mind and replace the free space with thoughts about others and issues of greater importance. Not thoughts about me and whether or not my jeans would stretch out in a few hours. To sum up my need for daily physical exertion: This temple- this vessel has been given to me and keeping up maintenance on it has less to do with being “bathing suit ready for summer” and more to do with having this temple o’mine be in tip-top working condition for whatever service it is needed for. Physical activity helps the cause.

So in summation: yeah, I guess when you eat less, follow a loose organic diet, and work out a lot, you are bound to drop a few L-B’s. That is nice and all but it’s even nicer to know that it wasn’t really your primary focus and comes only as an offshoot of some bigger ideas that might help to serve you and others in a positive way.


It’s a lot to keep in mind, this whole “food philosophy.” But on an ideal day, this is what I am able to hold myself to.

Hosanna.

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity



Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Break my heart for what breaks Yours

There are no words that can describe how thankful I am for The Village & the restoration I receive week after week. I am blessed and I am recognizing that more and more each day.

Nick-na-Nick Nick-na-Nick Nick Nick.

All these years later, at the age of 22, I still find myself being sucked in by Nickelodeon. Do I occasionally enjoy an episode or two of Drake and Josh? Yes, I begrudgingly answer... and iCarly, too... if we're gonna keep things honest.

However, this time, they've got me hook, line, and sinker in the form of a Nickelodeon made for TV movie. "Gym Teacher." How did they win me over? Well, by simply casting Christopher Meloni and Amy Sedaris in the lead roles. I don't need to know anymore. Friday September 12- I know where I'll be and what I'll be watching.





.... fantastic!

And I said, "Amen."

Oh, favorite. :)

This is what comes from being locked inside my own head all day.

What am I supposed to do with my time? I feel so small. So small. That's how I feel most of the time... in life, anyway.

I feel so small and insignificant in this life. I don't mind actually being it but feeling it is a different thing... ya know? I just hope that I can make my time count. I don't want any awards or accolades for big time achievements... in the grand scheme of things I don't think my achievements will be big at all. I've never expected them to be.

I just want some piece of mind. I want to know that I'm doing something right and good with my life. However, I think I am the only one that can give and accept any sort of validation. It seems like such a sin to waste a life and I hope that I'm not wasting mine.

Know your talents.

Everyone should know what they're good at, right?

I've been trying to recognize what mine are for the past few years and this is what I've come up with (thanks in large part to my place of employment):

I'm rather good at:
hugs and kisses
winkin'
opening up capri suns
cleaning up poop and vomit with rubber gloves and a smile
administering first aide
TLC
babysitting
kid songs

oh... and important stuff, too.
classroom management
planning a curriculum
tracking cognitive development during critical stages blah blah

I left Oak Forest today (a mixed blessing). I can't really say that I will be back for another summer. I'm glad to get away from the chaos (teacher drama and gossip) but sad to leave my students... most of which are about to start kindergarten. I'm attached... what can I say? I mean, I helped potty train some of those little ones! I've had some of the same students in my summer class for the past 3 years. I really value the time I've had and all that I've learned but I think the Oak Forest chapter of my life may now be closed. I don't know that there is anything else to be gained by spending my time there.

So many tired moments.

I've had so many things to say these past few months but not enough time to sit down and say/write them. Hopefully a time is coming soon.

I've always been so good at fighting sleep- it seems like there is always something else I would rather be doing with that time. But lately, I haven't been able to be as combative as I would like with my drowsiness. I hope I don't sleep away the rest of my summer.



Dear Time,

Slow down and let me savor you!

Regards,

Jordan M. Hillin

LOVITZ Lives!!!

I was so sure that I had killed him. My blind rage and animal like reaction caused me to smash ol' Lovitz on the garage floor 2 years ago because I was in the mental state of "ME angry and confused!" Though I had made it my aim to kill him (and kill him for good) I still couldn't part with his remains. So, I put him back in his box and stashed him away in my closet. It wasn't until recently that I decided to see if ipods are truly as resilient as they have been said to be. Well, it turns out that they indeed are. I plugged Lovitz in and charged him up. Much to my surprise he was still in perfect working order! I found my entire library to be intact. My playlists worked to serve as a music time capsule of sorts recording my tastes of two plus years ago. I probably went to bed around 4 the other night because I stayed up to listen to my old music library. My reaction to many parts of the selection? Laughter... for different reasons that I prefer not to get into. But anyway.

I haven't had the best run of luck with my ipods. Shortly after I thought I killed Lovitz (and when I say shortly, I'm talking less than an hour and a half) I ordered my video ipod. Keeping in the grand tradition of naming my ipods after past SNL players, I gave the new one the name of Hartman. Within a week I spilled water on Hartman and he hasn't been the same since. But soon he will have a new battery and all will be well... unless for some reason he makes me angry and has an unfortunate run in with the concrete floor of my garage.

In other news:
I miss a handful of things in Denton-
The Cupboard
The Village
The Greenhouse
& as always: friends.

I almost had a breakdown on skype today when I talked to Elizabeth. I miss her so much. The only thing better than getting to see her at the end of July will be getting to see her in ENGLAND.

I decided to pledge some money to the WWF today. Not the Vince McMahon kind of WWF, the "let's fight to save the polar bear" WWF.

55 is a nice number.

"I'm not quite sure I'm ready to end up anywhere."

It’s so weird when you find yourself no longer needing what you thought you really wanted. It really blows my mind. I love “Eureka!” moments and this year has been full of them. I’m very thankful for the clarity and new found self love/respect.

I’m just doing a bit of blabbering here but sometimes I feel different- like, I’m set apart from most people… even some of my friends. I love them, I relate to them, they are some of the most important people in the world as far as I’m concerned… but there is something there that separates us. It’s not good or bad… it’s just there. I’m not above anyone, by any means… I’m just set to the side. I don’t know how to make this come out without sounding elitist or uppity. Maybe I don’t really know what I’m talking about- that can often be the case. I just mean that sometimes I feel like I am meant for something really special- this bigger idea that I can’t quite grasp. Whatever that might be, I’m on the watch for it. I don’t know... these thoughts need work. They don’t sound right. Bahhh just scratch all of this.

If I could have any super power in the whole wide world it would probably be to always correctly spell every word I write. I hate my spelling mistakes. They destroy my credibility as a somewhat intelligent person. Eh, oh well. I guess I’m just not intelligent. At least I am the world’s greatest hugger. Print it up, put it on a coffee mug, and just present it to me.

I am SO excited about this summer. WHY? I’ll tell you.
- Unlimited organic foods and kitchen access
- My Ms. Monica and Oak Forest (paychecks!)
- Longview Yoga Center and other fitness sundries
- Jasmine
- Newcastle and other exciting locations
- Free laundry facilities

In other news: "Book 'em, Dan-O! I'm (down) 5-O (lbs.)!!!!"

*Self note: Buy more Neko Case and Loudon Wainwright III

Spring Break 2K8

Lazy and wonderful. I was glad to cook and bake in my kitchen, cuddle with my puppy, and watch hours and hours of the BBC. I made a point to haul back all of my school books to Longview but didn't open a one of 'em. I'll pay for it this week but the break was well worth it... and well deserved, I must say. I gave myself ample time to sleep, visit/hang around with E*Beth, and watch Summer Rental 2.5 times courtesy of HBO Family.

A few random thoughts and feelings:

The Girls Gone Wild commercials begin to play past the hour of 10 PM on stations such as E! and Comedy Central. Often times I am watching a program on said stations at said hour with my mother. Once I hear the kettle drums kick in I know that I am in for the 47 most awkward seconds of the day.

Down 45 lbs. since August. That's pretty neat.

I'm in love with Loudon Wainwright III. I just might name a son that someday. Loudon, that is... not Wainwright III.

Come take a ride in my hot air balloon!

Milkshakes... who knew?

I didn't realize that this single line would spark such a following.



The DDL has made "draaaaaaaaaaaaaaainage" my new fave word.

Damn nice.

Uhhh I don't even know where to start with this one. I’ll just keep it brief. Let me just begin by saying that I love my friends- I really, really do. I love to love my friends and do whatever I can to help them out or make them smile. I don't mind going above and beyond even when I know that I won't necessarily get "paid back"- because it's not about getting paid back, for me- it's about doing what I can to show people that I love them. Most of the time I don’t mind going the extra mile for a pal, doing it with a smile (& not asking for gas money). However, what I can't stand is when people take advantage of this quality. Just because we're close and you know that I will probably agree to do whatever it is that you ask of me ATTN: you still need to use the words "please" & "thank you".... oh, yeah...and ASK- don't just assume that I can build my schedule around yours. Don't just inform me that you will need me to jump through hoops on this day at this time. I have a life too, ya know? I’m not a doormat! Blahhhh babblebabblebabble

But my Pete & Pete dvd makes me feel better so I just won't think about this anymore. Dance Petunia! DANCE!

Valentine's Day with The DDL

Best Valentine's EVER? I should say so. I spent my day getting back my tests that I had taken in the previous week and let me just say, "A,A,A!!!@@#@#$!!" Woo! After my scholastic day came to an end I ordered myself some t-shirts that I have been eyeing on the web, had a righteous workout, got all dressed up for no reason in particular, and then got some boba which I then snuck in to a late showing of There Will Be Blood. SO what if I've seen it three times? It only gets better each and every time I see it. Daniel Day-Lewis... my goodness. You, sir, enrich my life with your incredible talent. It was a pleasure spending my Valentine's Day with the DDL. A PLEASURE. It was an awesome day and one that I spent by myself, for the most part. But still, it was glorious. Also, I love sending Valentine's Day mail to all of my valentines whom I LOVE LOVE LOVE. E*Beth is back in the states as of March 15 and we are already preparing for our 2nd annual Easter celebration AND I get to see my Kimbo in the next 2 weeks! Excitement! Love LOVE EXCITEMENT!

This just in....

since august i'm 40 lbs. down! and still going. i feel pretty. :) bragbragbragggg.

Happiness- 2 kinds of ice cream & more, Charlie Brown.

Happiness can really only be manifested from within. Your life will not be a happy one if you are always looking to someone or something to make you happy. You shouldn't really let your mood be reliant upon what happens to you but rather what you make happen for you. Obvious statements, sure.

With that being said, I have to say that I am pretty happy. I guess I just feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude to be around. I'm happy to be alive, to love my friends, to do things for others and not expect anything in return. My happiness and joy can be found in a pretty day, the smiles of strangers, quiet & contemplative times, hugs, and um... fuzzy rainbow pipe cleaners (because i heart ahrts and fharts and crafts). It doesn't take much to make me happy these days. What can make me the most happy is an early evening drive with Joanna Newsom and a view like this that lay ahead outside my windshield.



I wish everyday could look like last Sunday.

there is no such thing as p.t. anderson overload

i saw there will be blood yesterday and then promptly returned to my room to watch boogie nights and magnolia. i would have watched punch drunk love but my eyes wouldn't let me because they kept closing. mr. anderson- there are no words. thanks a ton for the films... some people say 'movies' but i say 'films' because it makes me sound way more smarter and more cooler.

the only thing else i have to say right now is that i think i may like hummus more than any other person ever and the village in denton seems like a pretty good place.

An entry about my day that ended up being mostly about Heath Ledger.

Well, ok. So I decided that I was too cool for school and skipped all my classes today. Not something I plan on repeating anytime soon/at all this semester. However, I just woke up in one of those moods today. Not a bad mood but a really really good one. Not only was my mood great but the day was beautiful. How can I possibly be expected to go to school on a day like today? I got up on schedule but I opted to enjoy my time doing other things.
1. i tidied up the room.
2. enjoyed some oats and granola with silk
3. got all fixed up for no reason at all.
4. walked to bruce for some delicious black bean soup.
5. brushed up on my sedaris.
6. walked around campus in the cold
7. made e*beth's valentine.
8. went to the post office for 90 cent stamps.
9. mailed some stuff.
10. got b0ba.

In other news- i hate news- entertainment news, that is.
Heath Ledger was one of my faves. It really is so tragic that he is gone. I just watched the trailer for The Dark Knight last week and he gave me chills as The Joker. I was starting to get all geared up for the summer release because I couldn't/can't wait to see him in that role. He is going to be amazing. Since he was recently on my mind that makes the news of his death all the more upsetting. All in all he was just a quiet guy, a good actor, and someone that I respected. For all of the above reasons I really wish that people like Nancy O'Dell and Pat O'brien of the Hollywood Access Extra Insider Entertainment Report would just shut the F up and stop dragging his reputation through the mud. It was an accident so stop taking his quotes out of context to fit into some depressing slide show of his photographs set to solemn sounding piano music while you do a voice over and talk about his "demons" and past relationships. Oh yeah, and another thing, stop showing that footage of him being rolled out in a body bag. It's sickening. I have refused to watch any coverage about this because I know a great deal of it is speculation and just flat out lies. It's one thing when certain people in the public eye make a spectacle of themselves but its quite another when others try to lead a quiet existence and parasitic people go out of their way to disrupt it. It makes me sick to think about all of the photographers that are going to stalk Michelle Williams and their little girl. There is such a feeling of lawlessness when it comes to the paparazzi. Leave the poor guy and his family alone. Were Heath here right now this is exactly what he would say/do:



I'll miss ya, man.

keepin' it Live in the Tragic Kingdom

this semester is feelin' kinda magic all of the sudden. why? i dunno. but no questions will be asked by me :) this good mood thing is fantastic! Moving ON!-

i used to rock my no doubt live in the tragic kingdom VHS all the time- especially way back during the middle school/jr high/high school days- possibly me all time fave, those folks. no words can explain the obsession i used to have (and still kind of do). i got a copy of the concert on DVD back a couple years ago when i purchased the singles collection. it had been a long while since i watched it but tonight i put it in while i did my annual sunday evening cleaning thing and it got me, for lack of a better word, krunk- defined in urban dictionary as having a HELL OF A GOOD TIME. Often, but not always, it is understood that booze is involved. no booze was involved in this case. just my 12 inch tv, windex, and microfiber dust rags. it was the best time i've had in a long time and it rekindled the crazy love i used to have for ND.

i got my hair 'styled' the other day and i've been feeling all sassy ever since. thanks a ton to nathan and the folks out there at soho salon.

I am so giggly right now that it's ridiculous and probably the reason why this entry makes little to no sense.

I really wanted to make a major effort to step away from the computer this semester but seeing as how i have come to realize that the entire first season of bug juice has been uploaded on youtube AND i downloaded stumble upon...well, i guess i don't really see that happening anymore. i am sucked back in yet again. you win this time... computer. ha. i just said that last sentence in my dr. claw voice. oh boy.

Happy New Year- 15 days later.

When I am shampooing my hair or driving to the grocery store I can be pretty damn brilliant with my words (in my head, at least). It is only when I sit down to write them that I draw a complete blank. I don’t really know why this is. If you were to wander up to me while I was shopping for gouda I could possibly blow your mind with my thoughts but in such a medium as this that probably won’t be happening. Seeing as how I can count the number of folks that know about this blog on one hand I seriously doubt that this entry will ever even be read, let alone blow anyone’s mind (not that I expected it to, anyway.)To begin, I always start to feel super retrospective at the end/beginning of the year. For my own personal records I’ll do my best to convey my current feelings about all kinds of things- especially this past year. All in all- a most excellent year- maybe even a landmark one. For starters I feel like I have grown in leaps and bounds. For the first time ever I have been able to recognize the person that I am becoming and maybe even the person that I have been all along.

On life- it’s good. Life has many chapters- some happier than others. In times past I tried to convince myself that maybe life wasn’t as great as people tend to think. But lately I have come to realize that life is one of many amazing gifts. There are times when I get so caught up in trying to figure out the odds of my existence- how easy it would have been for me NOT to exist- things of that nature. For some reason my number got pulled and here I am for one reason or another. It’s pretty commonplace for most twenty-somethings to ponder their existence and purpose- I’m not really going that deep here. I’m just saying that I’m glad I have been able to recognize that I’m lucky to be around and happy to make the most of my time.

On the future- it can wig me out more than anything. However, lately, I’ve realized that stressing about it is pretty much just a massive exercise in futility. For starters, I haven’t always been too keen on my major and where it may take me but I’ve decided to be optimistic and let the road of life take me anywhere and everywhere. I’m young, I’m flexible, and I’m not tied to anyone or anything. I fully believe that you can create your own experiences in this life and that is what I tend to do. I’ve always had a feeling that I wouldn’t be sticking around just one place in particular. If I have it my way I’ll be moving around a lot and living in different places. It can be a scary thing but also a rewarding and fulfilling thing. There is a whole world out there for me to see and I plan on seeing it.

On friends- they are the loves of my life. I used to feel really down when friends would move on/move away. I felt like I was being left behind and like I was being forced to say goodbye. At this point in my life even more of my friends have moved on and moved away. The me of years past would think myself to be very sad about this but the truth is that I am just the opposite. It makes me so happy to see my friends grow up and mature and move on. I’m growing up and maturing and moving on and that in itself pretty much prevents me from being sad. I’ve got my own things going too- but back to friends- No matter where they go or what they do the bonds of our friendship will always remain and the love I have for them will never ever fade. John Donne style- legs of a compass... hammering out gold... or something like that.

On love- more specifically God’s love- It’s perfect and all that I really need in this world. There are some things that I really need to focus on this semester and my faith is one of them. I’ve never left my faith behind but I haven’t really progressed in my faith they way that I would like. I have a lot to learn and a lot to understand. I’ll say more on the subject later but for now- I am just glad to know that I am loved and I will do all that I can to return Him the favor.

On music- my superstars of this past year: Loudon Wainwright III, Joanna Newsom, Neko Case (& her boyfriends), Camera Obscura, and of course, my dear, dear Fiona.
My trying to explain what their songs mean to me fails to fully convey their actual importance in my life. When you love a song, or a band, or a performer like I love these guys their lyrics become a part of who you are, the life you live etc etc… dumb, I know- but totally true. I can’t count the number of times I have sat up in my dark room late at night listening to the words and the music and having it synchronize with the beating of my very heart! It’s true! It’s dumb and true!

The fave tracks and highlighted lyrics:

Loudon:
-The Swimming Song
- Lullaby
- Daughter
- You Can’t Fail Me Now


You Can’t Fail Me Now:
We’re taught to love the worst of us
And mercy more than life but trust me
Mercy’s just a warning shot across the bough
I live for yours
And you can’t fail me now
I live for your mercy
And you can’t fail me now

Joanna:
- All of the tracks are my faves but if I have to pick some fave lyrics they are as follows:

















Sadie:
until then, we pray and suspend
the notion that these lives do never end
and all day long we talk about mercy
lead me to water Lord, I sure am thirsty
down in the ditch where I nearly served you
up in the clouds where He almost heard you
And all that we built,
and all that we breathed,
and all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds
is piled up in back;
it burns irrevocably.
we spoke up in turns,
'till the silence crept over me
Bless you and I deeply do
no longer resolute
and I call to you


Neko:
- Bought & Sold
- Set Out Running
- Twist the Knife
- Hold On, Hold On
- We’ve Never Met
- John Saw That Number
- That Teenage Feeling
- Maybe Sparrow
- Lion’s Jaws

That Teenage Feeling:
But now my heart is green as weeds
Grown to outlive their season
And nothing comforts me the same
As my brave friend who says:
"I don't care if forever never comes
'Cause I'm holding out for that teenage feeling,"



Camera Obscura:
- Lets Get Out of This Country
- Razzle Dazzle Rose
- Lloyd, I’m Ready to be Heartbroken

Razzle Dazzle Rose:
Rose, I’m feeling older
I was lucky as a four leaved- clover
I tried to be happy and it wasn’t easy
Courage my love it makes me bolder
Expecting softness can lead to foolishness
When I choose my color it will be razzle dazzle rose


***Fiona:
- Again, all of the tracks are my favorite. I love them all. She also penned some pretty righteously enjoyable men are shit songs. I can’t help it- I get in that kind of mood sometimes but anywho- Rather than listing some 50 plus tracks I’ll just preview some of my favorite lyrics



Better Version of Me:
Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I've had one
Where did I learn?
I make a fuss about a little thing
The rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn?
I don't want a home, I'd ruin that
Home is where my habits have a habitat
Why give it a term?
I am likely to miss the main event
If I stop to cry or complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damned breeze dry my face
Oh mister wait until you see
What I'm gonna be
I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree
Here's coming a better version of me

The Way Things Are:
I couldnt take the embrace of a real romance
It’d race right through me
Im much better off the way things are
Much much better off, better by far, by far
I wouldnt know what to say to a gentle voice
It’d roll right past me
And if you chalk it up you’ll see I dont really have a choice
So dont even ask me
Im much better off, the way things are
Much much better off, better by far

Waltz (Better Than Fine):
If you don't have a song
To sing you're okay
You know how to get along
Humming
If you don't have a date
Celebrate
Go out and sit on the lawn
And do nothing
'Cause it's just what you must do
Nobody does it anymore
No I don't believe in the wasting of time,
But I don't believe that I'm wasting mine
If you don't have a point to make
Don't sweat it
You'll make a sharp one being so kind
And I'd sure appreciate it
Everyone else's goal's to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I'm
Better than fine

***Sidenote: I could list all the lyrics to all of her songs but won’t. An amazing writer, fantastic lyrics- one of the many loves of my musical life. Last semester I used to skip class to stay in my room and listen to her music.

On likes and dislikes: brief and all over the place- but to the point.

Dislikes: Being a girl and going to the doctor because of it is simply no fun at all. I don’t really like living in traditions anymore. I’m ready for an apartment in which I can cook up my own food stuffs. My wisdom teeth need to pipe down and stop hurting a sista’s mouf. I am kind of tired of this computer business. It is such a massive distraction from real life. I’d rather be living life in real time.


Likes: Elizabeth comes back to the states in less than 2 months! I am making time to read a lot more. I’m pumped and ready for the semester. A 4.0 semester it will be if I have my way. Being back at school allows me to once again workout everyday. I have now lost 33 lbs and I am only 19 lbs away from my lowest weight (not to boast or anything but well, I wanna bragg a little about that one) I’m just plain happy. I’m in the mood to smile and make other people smile. Autumn is getting married next month. I found a good bible study group. Everyday has the potential to be a good hair day. Remember that and you will lead a better life.