I know that it makes me sound stupid but I just realized within the past year that it is completely pointless to try and plan out your life. Maybe I haven't fully learned this lesson though seeing as how I still hold grand expectations for things in different areas of my life. Maybe I'll learn someday.

I miss my lady friends. I only saw Amy once in mid may, I may have seen Kim two or three times, and Cara didn't even come back to Longivew. I miss them. I really miss them. Especially Amy- the most loyal friend I have/will ever have. I just won't think about how much I miss them anymore right now because I'll be crying in the next 2 minutes.

I should probably get a job this semester.

I need to read more. I need to work out. Maybe physical activity will stop the self-hatred dead in its tracks. I'll go to the rec tomorrow morning. Perhaps I can start a routine and get in shape. I'd like to say that I want to get in shape to be healthy but that would just be a lie. I'd rather be hot. A hot, in shape, well read kind of lady. That sounds nice.

My nerves turn me into a bitch sometimes. I really hate that. I don't know why I am so mean to myself sometimes. I don't know why I think I deserve it.

I'm going home this weekend to see Elizabeth off. It's something that I am not really looking forward to and possibly the source of my bad/sad mood at the moment. I am selfish. Sometimes I just wish that I could hold on to all of the people that I love and never let them go. I want everyone to stop moving even if it's only for a little bit before they get too far away and can't come back. That can't happen so I'll get over it and stop devoting so much energy to unrealistic wishes.

Sometimes I laugh at the show Intervention. It's not something I'm proud of but it's true.

Hot Mess.

My room is a hot mess right now. I always get sidetracked when I need to be focused on the task at hand. I was packing up my dorm stuffs when I decided that it would be a good idea to go through old photos that I had stashed under my bed. Old old photos of my grandpa in the navy and stuff. All of these old photos are scattered on my bed, crap that should be in the trunk of my car litters my floor and now I am writing this. Why? Because I am being one filthy little procrastinator. I still got things accomplished today in the sense that I have all my DVDs packed (quite the task, i tell you) and I finished Wendy's birthday present. Elizabeth will be over soon for FOTC and I'll try not to think about how that little bitch is leaving me. GAH. Tomorrow it's Denton here I come for what I hope will be a most enjoyable semester.

More.

I've got a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. I'm feeling a lot of different things all at once.

For starters, it is finally setting in that Elizabeth is going to Newcastle. The past few nights have been really emotional for me. When I start to settle in for the night it will just pop into my head that she will be gone soon. I know that I can visit her (for a price and a very expensive price at that) but it won't be the same. And then when I think about Elizabeth I start to think about my other friends and how a lot of them will soon be starting there sort of official adult lives...careers, marriages, moving away. I feel so left behind. I don't know how to catch up. I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone, and I don't know where I'll end up. I am ready to start my life (just like everyone else seems to be doing) but I don't know how. It's frustrating.

I really hate what my vanity is doing to me. It's making me hate myself. Gah... what a dumb girl.

I'm still being positive though, right? I'm still excited about the semester, right? Yeah. Yeah I am. Ok. good.

Another blast from el past.

Currently: I really like work. I really like the money I get for work. I really like summer. I really like liking a boy.

Even though the summer has been incredibly uneventful, I have still enjoyed myself nonetheless. I haven't taken any big, exciting trips or anything, but the little weekend road trips to here and there have been enjoyable. I had a great family weekend with my favorite aunts and cousins in honor of my 21st birthday. I don't really have a lot of experience with the drinking scene, but I must say- I can really hold my liquor. I had a good weekend in Denton with good people. All in all- a pretty damn good leisurely summer.

One thing that isn't making me happy- E*beth is leaving for Newcastle very very soon. She told me the other day that she probably won't be coming back. I'm just trying not to think about it. On a positive note, I have always wanted to go to England and now it seems I may have a very good reason to go and stay for a long period of time. She has asked me to be her lodger and I just may take her up on the offer at some point.

I started reading my old diary again. Here's another entry I find fitting straight from the heart of a 12-year-old me.

__________________________________________________________________

June 9, 1999.

I am watching Conan O'Brien. He is funny but I like Andy Richter better, I think. I love watching the show. I am glad I can watch it because it's summer. I am glad that I have you as my diary. :) Sometimes I can't wait to get older so that I can look back at this and remember what it was like to feel small. But still I think that and know I should be happy being little. Sometimes what upsets me is that our whole lives are spent wanting to be something else. Like, when you are little you want to be big and when you are big you want to be little.

Jordan Hillin

__________________________________________________________________

Hmmm. Amen 12-year-old me. I think I may feel ready for the semester. Maybe. Maybe not. I am interested to see what it brings. Hopefully good, happy, fun things. And good grades and stuff.

I'm feeling pretty happy right now. I think I will buy a fish tank. and fish tank stuffs. and FISH!