"...and Christmases were beautiful."

"Have You Forgotten" is simply one of the best songs ever written. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy about my childhood. If you haven't heard it then go take a listen.

"Christmases were beautiful... and the sentiment of color mirrored ornaments."

When I was nine, one Christmas my parents surprised me by decorating my room with tiny multi colored Christmas lights. It made my room feel like magic. I can still vividly recall the way the little lights lit up my walls, highlighting my puppy and horse posters not to mention the BOP magazine pull out pages of JTT and the mix matched putt putt golf and games prizes I had carefully arranged on my nightstands and desk. I used the Christmas lights as a night light for the month of December and most of January, too. Finally, I asked my parents to take them down, not because I was tired of them, but simply because I didn't want to become accustomed to them. I still wanted them to feel just as magical when next December rolled around. Even though it is presently the month of July, I decided to try and recapture that magic feeling a few weeks ago. I was up at about 2 AM when I went to the garage to dig out some old Christmas lights. By 3AM I had them up and glowing their magical rainbow glow and it made me feel nice... just plain nice. There was something reassuring about it. It's crazy inside my head lately but when I sit on my bed, all made up and stacked high with pillows, I lean back and think to myself that there will come a day when I can feel as content and as safe as I once did as a nine year old at Christmas time with her room lovingly decorated by her parents with scores of rainbow Christmas lights.



Have You Forgotten
Red House Painters

I can't let you be
Because your beauty wont allow me
Wrapped in white sheets
Like and Angel from a bedtime story
Shut out what they say
Because your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
Somehow they feel up and you feel down


When we were kids
We hared things our parents did
We listened low to Casey kasem's radio show
That's when friends were nice
To think of them just makes you feel nice
The smell of grass in spring
and October leaves cover everything

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

I can't believe
All the good things that you do for me
Sit back in the chair
Like the princess from a far away place
Nobody's nice
When you're older your heart turns to ice
Shut out what they say
They're too dumb to mean it anyway

When we were kids
We hated things our sisters did
Backyard summer pools and Christmas were beautiful
and the sentiment of colored mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes look out on frozen farms house landscapes

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Pink flowers and teddy bears.

It's been quite a while. Not that anyone has been waiting for anything. So. I have found myself in a dilemma. It is controlling me everyday. Oh well. We shall see if there is a payoff.

Well, I found my old diary the other day. My old pink, floral, teddy bear covered diary. It was hidden under some stuff in the bottom drawer of my wicker nightstand. The first entry is from Feb. 12, 1999, when I was 12.

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Feb. 12, 1999 (12 yrs.)

Diary, (TGIF)

SO... a little list of what I did today.

5:15 AM: My clock radio goes off as loud as it can go. I hear it but roll over to fall back asleep. Next thing I know it is 6:40 and I have to get my shower.
7:00- I get out of the shower soaking wet. I have to do my hair and find something to wear.
7:30- My hair is done and I have an uneasy feeling. I don't know why.
7:40- Mom and I get in the car and she takes me to school.
7:45- I am at school in Mr. Beltran's room. All of the PALS are in there with their cut out hearts getting ready to deliver the mail-o-grams. It is loud, noisy, and fun.
8:05- Bell. I start to deliver some mail-o-grams. Unlike everyone else, I don't have a big cardboard heart to wear and I feel dumb.
8:15- I get to Career Exploration in Mrs. Haney's room. She wasn't there because she was a judge for the UIL contest. The sub shows me my average for the 6 wks. and it's a 100.
2nd period. People are mean to me and call me a stuck up prep. They told me that my sweater was ugly and call me sweater girl.
3rd period. There is a sub and we spend the time reading.
4th period. DARE. Talk about drugs.
5th period. Band- but we didn't play our instruments. All the clarinets sat in the ensemble rooms and talked. (Alison Brashear, Sarah Pevey, Lauren Snyder, Shannon Sullivan) We talked about boys and friends and the Simpsons. Last night during the Simpsons some porn accidentally started playing. It was only 4 seconds but it was a girl giving a guy a BJ. I didn't see it but I guess it was graphic. :/
-Lunch-
6th period Math. We go to Mrs. Jones' class because Seimars is a UIL judge.
Last period is Texas history with Mr. Beltran. We read and grade papers. I get on the bus to go home and the sub is Mrs Debbie, my 2nd grade bus driver. She gave me a hug and it made me happy. I get home and wait for mom. When she comes home we go to the mall and then get dinner at Papacitas. It was really good. We get home at about 10 and fall asleep watching TV. We are going to Texarkana tomorrow to see Ma and Pa.

Jordan Hillin

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Most of my entries are about how I think I'm fat and how I am all alone and will continue to be all alone. So not much has changed in the past 8 years.

Oh, well. Lets be positive here:

Things that have been keeping me up... as opposed to down.

- My room
- Jasmine
- Parents
- Food stuffs
- Work (but more specifically the money)
- People at work (Like Ms. Christen and Ms. Monica)
- Old SJP and Claire Danes Letterman interviews on youtube
- Legal drankin'
- Elizabeth. I'm trying hard not to think about how she'll soon be leaving the country.

I miss my kimbo and amy so bad it hurts.

Sadly still a member (a 21-year-old member) of the NBK club. The truth of that makes turning 21 very depressing.

Kiss. Kiss.