On summer:
Summer is almost here. It makes me happy and it makes me think of the following:
- My house
- My room at home and my super comfy bed and nostalgia stuffs.
- Pastels
- Sunshine & green grass
- Homemade smoothies
- The promise of exercise and that "Oh, man I really am going to lose 25 lbs. this summer" kind of mentality.
- Money making time, son!
- Summertime mood music <3
- Jasmine
This summer is going to be a lot different from ones previous because it marks the first summer that my dearest Kim and Amy won't be returning to the View. They are like, grown up now? - with apartments and bills and careers. That makes me feel very... whatever the word. So no laying out by the pool, dinner making, late lunches downtown etc. This summer is going to be a real test without them, but I'll try to manage.
I've been gearing up for summer with my ever appropriate "summertime mood music." At the top of my heavy rotation playlist is one Ms. Janis Joplin. I love Janis. "Maybe" would have to be one the single greatest recordings of. all. time. There is something about her music that makes me feel carefree and at ease, whilst still allowing me to ponder the melancholy of life and all my lovers' cheatin' hearts. I think I love the tunes because I grew up with my dad listening to her and telling me stories about how they both grew up an hour away from each other. "She was just down the dirt road from me" is how my Dad likes to tell it. She suites my taste because I have long been under the impression that I was born in the wrong decade. Here's to Janis.
On Boys:
Hmmm... well, ok. Sometimes I think that love isn't real. Like, REAL love isn't real. The kind of love that I hope for isn't the kind of "love" that seems to be abundant in the world.
I would also like to add that I am currently under the impression that I have boys completely figured out. The conclusion that I have come to isn't a good one and as much as I love to be right (and believe me, I do) I pray to God that I am wrong about this one. But so far, all signs point to ---> NO.
I haven't had a crush on someone for about 3 years now, which scares me a little bit because I think that proves me to be callused and cynical about relationships. Yeah, ok, so I've never actually been in a relationship... not even close, but still. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone and feeling like boys are just too stupid to realize how awesome I am. Because seriously, I am a little bit awesome. That should count for something, I think.
My growth has been stunted in terms of boys and relationships. I still feel the same way about boys and "feelings of like" as I did when I was in second grade and that is: 1.) I like a boy for a prolonged period of time but of course do nothing about it. 2.) I confess these feelings to someone all the while hoping that they will both a) keep this information secret in addition to b) informing the young gentleman of my affection. Though I wish for this I am always mortified to find out that 3.) the boy has been informed of my feelings which usually results in 4.) me feeling super embarrassed and self conscious which of course ultimately results in 5.) my complete avoidance of the boy in question for all the remaining days of my life.
I guess I don't have to tell you that I haven't had the greatest experience in this arena. I can't say with any certainty that I will ever be able to grow out of this way of thinking... so only time will tell and sometimes I fear that time will tell me that I am, well... stupid (in addition to being A-L-O-N-E) I guess I would much rather play it safe instead of being vulnerable and saying "Hey you! I like you! Reject me!"
On College/Life/Future
Oh boy... this one is going to reek of negativity much like the xanga entries of the Kilgore era.
I had an appointment with my advisor yesterday- April 23, 2007 @ 3:00 PM. I've needed to speak with her since...oooh... last semester. Confusion, coupled with pressure and uncertainty resulted in a tear-fest in her office, I'm sorry to say.
Ok. Here's the gist. Uh, I don't know what to do with my life. No. Scratch that. I do know what to do, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Make sense? Ok, good.
I suppose that the words "tear-fest" are a bit of an exaggeration seeing as how I was able to maintain some sort of composure. It's just that the moment I started talking about my parents I realized that I was crying. I feel very guilty-very. For a lot of reasons. The guilt has been born out of pressure. Pressure to make my parents happy. Pressure to not make a mistake... ever ever ever. Pressure to figure out just what I will be doing (ultimately) with my life. I think that a large amount of this pressure is mostly intrinsic but if it isn't coming from my parents then who is it coming from? Me? Perhaps. I really don't know how to alleviate this. I guess that with growing up comes conflict. I, never really being a big fan of conflict with the parentals, have been pretty good at avoiding it for the past couple of years. But at what price?
I have to admit, I saved my parents a lot of money by going to Kilgore the first two years. I wasn't happy about it and I will probably always resent it, secretly. I feel like I sacrificed a lot by going there and I really don't want to get into all of the reasons why. Let's just say that I will never get/never had the chance to be a freshman in college. Kilgore really threw me off.
I tried to be optimistic about Kilgore in the beginning. I thought that I may get the chance to take some interesting music or film electives but that didn't happen because Dad wanted me to stay within the core. No biggie, I thought. I'll take those courses when I get to UNT. That will be better. Better content. Better professors. Etc. But then I get to UNT and I become aware that I have no electives left. From here on out it will strictly be edu. classes.
It was mid semester when I realized that for the past two and a half years, I have been living someone else's agenda. And I am not ok with that.
I love my parents- I love them as much as my heart will let me, but there exists a major dichotomy between the two. As far back as I can remember my mom has always told me "You're special. You can do and be whatever you want." My Dad is supportive of my happiness but he is so Murphy's Law that I have almost been conditioned to be cautious. of. ever. single. thing. in. the. entire. universe.
In a nutshell- It's like my mom will tell me to get on a plane and fly to where ever it is that I want to go and my Dad will say, "Yeah, sure. Get on the plane. I just hope that it doesn't crash."
Their school of thought has always made me very uncertain. Aside from feeling conditioned to be overly cautious, I feel like I have been conditioned to be an under achiever as well. When I was a freshman in high school I met with my counselor (whom I have known since the 6th grade) and after reviewing my grades and speaking with me, she signed my up for 3 AP classes. During the summer, without my knowledge, my parents had a talk and my mom called the school to have me taken out of all the AP classes and she also changed my foreign language from French to Spanish. This wasn't met well by me. After many long talks and begging and pleading my parents let me take AP English. Since when do you have to beg to take AP classes? Most kids my age were begging for a later curfew. What planet are my parents from?
I chose education as a major because I love the kiddos and I work well with them. Plus, my Dad has been in the school business for over 30 years. I saw that as a possible beacon of light because if I was ever unsure about how to grow up and establish a career I'll just ask the ol’ man. (maybe that's were the 'under achiever' bit comes in- If I was an edu major, then I could take a road that was already paved and I wouldn't be forced to answer my own questions... I'd just get someone else to answer them for me. I've been cheating at life!) Even from the beginning I was unsure about being an education major but I decided to stick with it and convinced myself that it would get better. Well, it hasn't and I am mad at myself because I knew that it never would. I feel like I have wasted both time and money and that just really sucks.
I feel like I am at a crossroads and I'm not sure what to do about it. I've entertained the idea of taking some time off to contemplate my future. I need to try to remember what it was that I really used to love. I seem to have forgotten these days. I used to have such lofty expectations for myself and I need to retrace my footsteps and try to find where I dropped them... and why?
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