He trys. He really does- and I recognize that. It's just that... sometimes his advice/encouragement comes out sideways. I'm in the midst of a crisis; a life crisis. The problem? I simply just don't know what the H to do with my life. I have no sense of direction which isn't really that shocking at my age.
During my senior year of high school I was talking to my dad about what I might want to be "when I grow up." -What a broad topic of conversation- Am I supposed to be able to pick what I want to do for the rest of my life at the age of 17? I expressed this concern to my dad and his response was, in a 1940's movie "say, kid!" kinda-tone, "Hey! You wanna know what my definition of success is?... (wheels turning in brain, glances at ESPN) Jason Kidd! Know why? Because he is doing what he wants and loves and he's makin' a livin' at the same damn time."
Now, I understand what my dad is saying. I get the gist. But... Jason Kidd as an example? Comments like that really make me think that he doesn’t know me at all sometimes. Plus, that guy doesn't like anything from New Jersey, which makes the comment all the more random and mysterious.
After completing my first full year at UNT, I have come to realize that I have made a terrible mistake. I don't think that I am meant to be a teacher. I was meant for something else, but what that something is I am not sure. It just that, I used to be so idealistic about the way that my life would turn out. I used to see myself as becoming an incredible(unchallenged)teacher, getting married (to an amazingly attractive and wealthy dude who loved me very very much plus he's like a really good person and junk), having kids, and paying a mortgage (on a very large house that was beautifully and expertly decorated by moi) by the time that I reached my mid thirties. I guess I have come to realize lately that I can't plan my life out... as much as I want to, I just can't. I can't bank on any of the above said things happening in a timely manner or at all for that matter, unfortunately. But I'm ok with that. I think that my best bet is just to latch on to something that I like and ride it out until I get to where I want to be. Well, I have some ideas about what I might like to do and the one at the top of my list is RTVF. My cousin Angie, graduated from UT with an RTVF degree. I have been reluctant to express my interest in RTVF with my father seeing as how after Angie graduated he stated, "Now, what in the hell is she gonna do with that? (laughing) Be a movie maker?"
It wasn't until this weekend, when my dad sat me down for a serious discussion about my future, that I finally spoke up about my possible intentions. He told me that the television and film industry is very challenging and narrow and that positions are reserved for "a friend of a friend" or "people how are born into that type of business." I think that he mistook my saying "I'd like to work in television or film" for "Yeah, man. I'm gonna be a movie star." Oh, dad. He also went on to tell me that I would have difficulty getting a job in that arena because I'm "not like Tori Spelling." Wait. I’m NOT?? Damn. I sooo wanted people to think that I was exactly like her. How can I go on living?
My dad says that he never truly wanted me to go into the school business because he has been in it for over 30 years. But I don’t know if I can believe that. I think that in a way he liked the idea of me becoming a teacher because he liked having an idea about what it would take for me to get to that point and what I would be required to do once I got there. RTVF is something that he has no familiarity with whatsoever. I think that he is really uncomfortable with that idea of me choosing a major which (A) he knows nothing about and (B) doesn’t certify or guarantee me any one particular type of job. I understand that he is just worried about me and that he doesn’t want me to have to struggle in life. I understand. I understand. I understand. I just wish that I knew how to tell him to step back and give me some space to fail. It’s something that happens to everyone; failure. I want him to give me some room to breathe and allow me to fail if I make the wrong decision. Let my failure be my own. I can handle it and I can bounce back. I think that is all a part of my becoming an adult. As much as I have tried to avoid it, and as much as my dad has tried to avoid it, I guess I have arrived at square one. I just don’t really know where to go from here… maybe join that facebook group “I picked a major that I liked and one day I will probably be living in a cardboard box.” Yeah. Sure.
Maybe my doing that will bring about some clarity. In fact, I’m sure it will.
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