"I Got Dem Ol' Kozmic Blues Again, Mama"

This one is probably going to be really heavy, so I'll start off with something light and low cal.

On summer:

Summer is almost here. It makes me happy and it makes me think of the following:
- My house
- My room at home and my super comfy bed and nostalgia stuffs.
- Pastels
- Sunshine & green grass
- Homemade smoothies
- The promise of exercise and that "Oh, man I really am going to lose 25 lbs. this summer" kind of mentality.
- Money making time, son!
- Summertime mood music <3
- Jasmine

This summer is going to be a lot different from ones previous because it marks the first summer that my dearest Kim and Amy won't be returning to the View. They are like, grown up now? - with apartments and bills and careers. That makes me feel very... whatever the word. So no laying out by the pool, dinner making, late lunches downtown etc. This summer is going to be a real test without them, but I'll try to manage.

I've been gearing up for summer with my ever appropriate "summertime mood music." At the top of my heavy rotation playlist is one Ms. Janis Joplin. I love Janis. "Maybe" would have to be one the single greatest recordings of. all. time. There is something about her music that makes me feel carefree and at ease, whilst still allowing me to ponder the melancholy of life and all my lovers' cheatin' hearts. I think I love the tunes because I grew up with my dad listening to her and telling me stories about how they both grew up an hour away from each other. "She was just down the dirt road from me" is how my Dad likes to tell it. She suites my taste because I have long been under the impression that I was born in the wrong decade. Here's to Janis.


On Boys:

Hmmm... well, ok. Sometimes I think that love isn't real. Like, REAL love isn't real. The kind of love that I hope for isn't the kind of "love" that seems to be abundant in the world.

I would also like to add that I am currently under the impression that I have boys completely figured out. The conclusion that I have come to isn't a good one and as much as I love to be right (and believe me, I do) I pray to God that I am wrong about this one. But so far, all signs point to ---> NO.

I haven't had a crush on someone for about 3 years now, which scares me a little bit because I think that proves me to be callused and cynical about relationships. Yeah, ok, so I've never actually been in a relationship... not even close, but still. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone and feeling like boys are just too stupid to realize how awesome I am. Because seriously, I am a little bit awesome. That should count for something, I think.

My growth has been stunted in terms of boys and relationships. I still feel the same way about boys and "feelings of like" as I did when I was in second grade and that is: 1.) I like a boy for a prolonged period of time but of course do nothing about it. 2.) I confess these feelings to someone all the while hoping that they will both a) keep this information secret in addition to b) informing the young gentleman of my affection. Though I wish for this I am always mortified to find out that 3.) the boy has been informed of my feelings which usually results in 4.) me feeling super embarrassed and self conscious which of course ultimately results in 5.) my complete avoidance of the boy in question for all the remaining days of my life.

I guess I don't have to tell you that I haven't had the greatest experience in this arena. I can't say with any certainty that I will ever be able to grow out of this way of thinking... so only time will tell and sometimes I fear that time will tell me that I am, well... stupid (in addition to being A-L-O-N-E) I guess I would much rather play it safe instead of being vulnerable and saying "Hey you! I like you! Reject me!"

On College/Life/Future

Oh boy... this one is going to reek of negativity much like the xanga entries of the Kilgore era.

I had an appointment with my advisor yesterday- April 23, 2007 @ 3:00 PM. I've needed to speak with her since...oooh... last semester. Confusion, coupled with pressure and uncertainty resulted in a tear-fest in her office, I'm sorry to say.

Ok. Here's the gist. Uh, I don't know what to do with my life. No. Scratch that. I do know what to do, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Make sense? Ok, good.

I suppose that the words "tear-fest" are a bit of an exaggeration seeing as how I was able to maintain some sort of composure. It's just that the moment I started talking about my parents I realized that I was crying. I feel very guilty-very. For a lot of reasons. The guilt has been born out of pressure. Pressure to make my parents happy. Pressure to not make a mistake... ever ever ever. Pressure to figure out just what I will be doing (ultimately) with my life. I think that a large amount of this pressure is mostly intrinsic but if it isn't coming from my parents then who is it coming from? Me? Perhaps. I really don't know how to alleviate this. I guess that with growing up comes conflict. I, never really being a big fan of conflict with the parentals, have been pretty good at avoiding it for the past couple of years. But at what price?

I have to admit, I saved my parents a lot of money by going to Kilgore the first two years. I wasn't happy about it and I will probably always resent it, secretly. I feel like I sacrificed a lot by going there and I really don't want to get into all of the reasons why. Let's just say that I will never get/never had the chance to be a freshman in college. Kilgore really threw me off.

I tried to be optimistic about Kilgore in the beginning. I thought that I may get the chance to take some interesting music or film electives but that didn't happen because Dad wanted me to stay within the core. No biggie, I thought. I'll take those courses when I get to UNT. That will be better. Better content. Better professors. Etc. But then I get to UNT and I become aware that I have no electives left. From here on out it will strictly be edu. classes.

It was mid semester when I realized that for the past two and a half years, I have been living someone else's agenda. And I am not ok with that.

I love my parents- I love them as much as my heart will let me, but there exists a major dichotomy between the two. As far back as I can remember my mom has always told me "You're special. You can do and be whatever you want." My Dad is supportive of my happiness but he is so Murphy's Law that I have almost been conditioned to be cautious. of. ever. single. thing. in. the. entire. universe.

In a nutshell- It's like my mom will tell me to get on a plane and fly to where ever it is that I want to go and my Dad will say, "Yeah, sure. Get on the plane. I just hope that it doesn't crash."

Their school of thought has always made me very uncertain. Aside from feeling conditioned to be overly cautious, I feel like I have been conditioned to be an under achiever as well. When I was a freshman in high school I met with my counselor (whom I have known since the 6th grade) and after reviewing my grades and speaking with me, she signed my up for 3 AP classes. During the summer, without my knowledge, my parents had a talk and my mom called the school to have me taken out of all the AP classes and she also changed my foreign language from French to Spanish. This wasn't met well by me. After many long talks and begging and pleading my parents let me take AP English. Since when do you have to beg to take AP classes? Most kids my age were begging for a later curfew. What planet are my parents from?

I chose education as a major because I love the kiddos and I work well with them. Plus, my Dad has been in the school business for over 30 years. I saw that as a possible beacon of light because if I was ever unsure about how to grow up and establish a career I'll just ask the ol’ man. (maybe that's were the 'under achiever' bit comes in- If I was an edu major, then I could take a road that was already paved and I wouldn't be forced to answer my own questions... I'd just get someone else to answer them for me. I've been cheating at life!) Even from the beginning I was unsure about being an education major but I decided to stick with it and convinced myself that it would get better. Well, it hasn't and I am mad at myself because I knew that it never would. I feel like I have wasted both time and money and that just really sucks.

I feel like I am at a crossroads and I'm not sure what to do about it. I've entertained the idea of taking some time off to contemplate my future. I need to try to remember what it was that I really used to love. I seem to have forgotten these days. I used to have such lofty expectations for myself and I need to retrace my footsteps and try to find where I dropped them... and why?

Oh, There Will Be Blood. You can count on it.

P.T. Anderson's new film, There Will Be Blood, should be coming out sometime this summer. This is P.T.A.'s first ever adaptation because the movie is based on Sinclair's Oil! I'm really interested to see how it turns out. If it's anything else like his other work then it will be, uh... amazing. I can hardly contain myself. This could very well be my dream movie because it's directed by P.T. and it stars Daniel Day-Lewis.

Oh, Daniel Day-Lewis. From an early age, I have had a propensity for developing crushes on unlikely famous fellas. As an 8th grade girl, I fell in love with Nathaniel Poe and I still managed to be attracted to Bill the Butcher some years later. DDL- that guy is fantastic- one of the greatest actors. ever. My affinity for the DDL helps me to feel like an unconventional movie snob because while my teenage counterparts were flocking to the theaters to see "The Hot Chick," I was spending my Friday night at home- cuddling up on the couch to watch “The Crucible” or "In the Name of the Father." I was a bit more taken with the tale of Gerry Conlon and his false implication in an IRA bombing rather than the story of how Rob Schnieder had somehow transformed into a lady. Forget about romantic entanglements with the middle Lawrence boy, I want to know if Gerry Conlon will be exonerated! Now THAT’S entertainment.

I love movies and it’s a serious, committed love. I wish I could figure out a way to make a living just watching them because that would be real neat.- real real neat. I love p.t. He’s one awesome brohouse.



Magnolia is probably the standout for me and my favorite of all his films. Yeah, some people say ‘movies’… I say ‘films’ to sound…uh… more smarter. Does it work? Yes, I think so, too.

School is buggin’ right now and I just wish that I could live atop a Brooklyn brownstone and sell cupcakes.

tv dinner for one.

I am going crazy in my room right now- alone. I am doing too much thinking and that usually leads me to bad places. I'm mad right now. I'm mad because I was really sick this week. Really sick- like throwing up and missing classes sick. None of my friends knew this because none of my friends called me. I just wish that one person would have called to see how I was and cared enough to stiop by with some juice or something. I haven't really seen anyone all week long and I haven't hung out with people all week long. Now that the end of the week is upon me I want to hang out, but can't because 1) my friends don't have time for me right now (which I'm cool with but it still sucks) and 2) Even if they weren't busy we still couldn't all hang out anyway because my group of friends is so polarized that it's just gosh dang ridiculous. Girls are really effing dumb sometimes- myself included, ok? But, still.

Blah, and to make matters worse, Bowling for Soup is playing a set right outside my dorm window. It sounds like a joke but it’s true. Sick.

This is what's making those horrible noises outside the window.

...and it makes me want to kill something with a sharp knife.

Dad says: Tori Spelling + Jason Kidd = Me?

Dad.... Dad, Dad, Dad.

He trys. He really does- and I recognize that. It's just that... sometimes his advice/encouragement comes out sideways. I'm in the midst of a crisis; a life crisis. The problem? I simply just don't know what the H to do with my life. I have no sense of direction which isn't really that shocking at my age.

During my senior year of high school I was talking to my dad about what I might want to be "when I grow up." -What a broad topic of conversation- Am I supposed to be able to pick what I want to do for the rest of my life at the age of 17? I expressed this concern to my dad and his response was, in a 1940's movie "say, kid!" kinda-tone, "Hey! You wanna know what my definition of success is?... (wheels turning in brain, glances at ESPN) Jason Kidd! Know why? Because he is doing what he wants and loves and he's makin' a livin' at the same damn time."



Now, I understand what my dad is saying. I get the gist. But... Jason Kidd as an example? Comments like that really make me think that he doesn’t know me at all sometimes. Plus, that guy doesn't like anything from New Jersey, which makes the comment all the more random and mysterious.

After completing my first full year at UNT, I have come to realize that I have made a terrible mistake. I don't think that I am meant to be a teacher. I was meant for something else, but what that something is I am not sure. It just that, I used to be so idealistic about the way that my life would turn out. I used to see myself as becoming an incredible(unchallenged)teacher, getting married (to an amazingly attractive and wealthy dude who loved me very very much plus he's like a really good person and junk), having kids, and paying a mortgage (on a very large house that was beautifully and expertly decorated by moi) by the time that I reached my mid thirties. I guess I have come to realize lately that I can't plan my life out... as much as I want to, I just can't. I can't bank on any of the above said things happening in a timely manner or at all for that matter, unfortunately. But I'm ok with that. I think that my best bet is just to latch on to something that I like and ride it out until I get to where I want to be. Well, I have some ideas about what I might like to do and the one at the top of my list is RTVF. My cousin Angie, graduated from UT with an RTVF degree. I have been reluctant to express my interest in RTVF with my father seeing as how after Angie graduated he stated, "Now, what in the hell is she gonna do with that? (laughing) Be a movie maker?"


It wasn't until this weekend, when my dad sat me down for a serious discussion about my future, that I finally spoke up about my possible intentions. He told me that the television and film industry is very challenging and narrow and that positions are reserved for "a friend of a friend" or "people how are born into that type of business." I think that he mistook my saying "I'd like to work in television or film" for "Yeah, man. I'm gonna be a movie star." Oh, dad. He also went on to tell me that I would have difficulty getting a job in that arena because I'm "not like Tori Spelling." Wait. I’m NOT?? Damn. I sooo wanted people to think that I was exactly like her. How can I go on living?

My dad says that he never truly wanted me to go into the school business because he has been in it for over 30 years. But I don’t know if I can believe that. I think that in a way he liked the idea of me becoming a teacher because he liked having an idea about what it would take for me to get to that point and what I would be required to do once I got there. RTVF is something that he has no familiarity with whatsoever. I think that he is really uncomfortable with that idea of me choosing a major which (A) he knows nothing about and (B) doesn’t certify or guarantee me any one particular type of job. I understand that he is just worried about me and that he doesn’t want me to have to struggle in life. I understand. I understand. I understand. I just wish that I knew how to tell him to step back and give me some space to fail. It’s something that happens to everyone; failure. I want him to give me some room to breathe and allow me to fail if I make the wrong decision. Let my failure be my own. I can handle it and I can bounce back. I think that is all a part of my becoming an adult. As much as I have tried to avoid it, and as much as my dad has tried to avoid it, I guess I have arrived at square one. I just don’t really know where to go from here… maybe join that facebook group “I picked a major that I liked and one day I will probably be living in a cardboard box.” Yeah. Sure.

Maybe my doing that will bring about some clarity. In fact, I’m sure it will.

Road Trip?

When I was younger, I went to Durango, Colorado with my parents 4 summers in a row between the ages of 9 and 13. I don't really know how our ol' Buick made the trek, but it did. Those trips to Durango gave me some of the best memories of my life. Getting there was always half the fun. It took us 2 full days of driving with an overnight layover in Albuquerque. At that point in my life, I thought it was pretty cool to spend quality time with the folks. I think that now, too, but this is speaking about the before and after of that weird in between period during the jr. high school years when you develop a really strong aversion for your parents. Thankfully it was just a phase, but I digress.

Ridding in the car with my mom, dad, and Jasmine, in our old Buick listening to Hottie and the Blowfish = a good time. I loved getting up at 4 AM to get an early start. I loved listening to music with people that mean the world to me. I loved stopping at road side attractions. I loved watching the landscape change and I loved finally arriving at our destination. I really love Durango. I miss it very much. I've ridden this train. It passed by the condo we used to stay in.



It's been awhile since I had an honest to goodness road trip. I have been entertaining the idea for a few years now that I would have an amazing road trip for my 21st birthday. The road trip would include a car, a couple thousand miles, some good music, and a really swell fellow. I would really like to drive up to Boston and hang out there for a week or so. Maybe do a lot of sightseeing and a little hand holding. Also, because it is my 21st birthday, and that requires a little obligatory boozin', it would be kind of tops to tour the Sam Adams brewery and slam some samples. That sounds like an ideal 21st birthday celebration/road trip. My birthday is in 3 months. I suppose I could make the road trip happen, but there is a key variable that is missing from the equation- namely, the road trip buddy. He is absent and has been forever. Bummer. Where is that boy? Whomever he is- where is he?

I think I may have to settle for the second best thing- a road trip with Elizabeth through the Texas hill country. Texas isn't Boston and Elizabeth isn't a brosef- but hey, that's good enough for me. It's a bit sad though. This will be like a farewell trip. Elizabeth is leaving for grad school at New Castle in England at the end of the summer. I'm scared that we will fall out of touch because, you know, she'll be living in another country- but I don't think we'll drift tooo far apart. I may even summon up the courage to fly over there to see her. Flying isn't my favorite thing, and flying over water definitely isn't my favorite thing. But, if Elizabeth is waiting for me on the other side then I just might be able to do it. I count Elizabeth as one of the best people that I've ever had the privilege of knowing. She has taught me to be more comfortable with my self and helped me to realize that it's ok to be yourself, uh, all the time. I don't think she knows how much she means to me so I'm going to try to let her know before she leaves me behind for a different county. Yep, me and that Elizabeth- We are OTP.

Come forth, and bring with you a heart.

I wish that it was easier for people to recall the reasons why they love each other. Why is it that, as you get older, it can become difficult to remember why you love/loved your friends and why you want/wanted them in your life? I hate that my group of friends has become so polarized. I can't really even explain why in some cases. It doesn't make any sense. I know that friendships can be a challenging endeavor, but usually, in the long run, they are almost always worth the effort.

Lately, all that I want to do is tell everyone in my life that I love them and list all the reasons why. Not a bad way to live life, huh? I wish other people felt the same way.

Life can be surprisingly uncomplicated when you choose to love people.

In other news, this video makes me just about as happy as anyone could ever wish to be.