I must remember...

I must remember...
Turkey on Thanksgiving,
Pudding on Christmas,
Eggs on Easter,
Chicken on Sunday,
Fish on Friday,
Leftovers, Monday.
But ah, me- I'm such a dunce.
I went and ate them all at once.

I really don't care what age I am- I'm never to old to enjoy the works of Mr. Silverstein- even though his picture still freaks me out a bit. I'm sure I wasn't the only kid to be freaked out by his picture on the back of The Giving Tree. But moving on...

I have finally decided to get my ipod fixed- well after the warranty has expired, of course. Goodbye $71. It will be worth it, though- to be able to walk around campus and listen to my playlists. I stayed up until 2AM last night making playlists. I wish I could get paid a lot of money to select songs for the moving pictures. Don't quite know how to fall into that career, though...

Next semester will be full of new beginnings and I for one and pretty excited. That's all I really have to say on the matter for now, though.

My personality tends to lean toward the addictive but at the moment that's not such a bad thing. The rec has practically become my second home. I really do hate when people label 'working out' as a hobby or interest but to be quite honest, for me, it falls into both categoriesright now. It may even be one of my favorite things. Ok- it IS one of my favorite things. 30lbs down and still counting. It's a great feeling for a control freak, like myself. :)

I miss Elizabeth.

Dan Aykroyd is attractive... 1970's SNL Elwood Blues Aykroyd.

Right now I really like the song "Us" by Regina Spektor.

I'm goin' places this summer... I dunno where... but I'm goin'.

It's almost Christmas!

I wish the weather permitted denim and corduroy.

I really hate that sometimes you just can't explain yourself- for whatever the reason. Either you aren't brave enough or the moment just doesn't seem to present itself. When it seems that a situation arises that makes you look bad the only thing you want to do is explain so that the other parties involved don't have reason to compromise their opinion of you. But even so- there are worse things in life and I'm ok with being left up to scrutiny.

The semester is over and done with for me as of Tuesday Dec. 11, 2007. I'm really looking forward to the break but at the same time I wish that I could skip it. Namely, because of my workout schedule. I'm up to two-a-days now! And my collarbone is becoming visible. I didn't even know I had one of those things for I have never actually been able to see it.

The winter time always reminds my of music and recipes. I always start listening to a lot of Queen around the holidays. It reminds me of the Christmas a few years ago when my parents gave me some Queen CD's and I spent part of Christmas day learning all the words to Killer Queen and Bicycle Race. I also start listening to a lot of old Eisley (especially the winter song) and Radiohead's first album, Pablo Honey. I think that is my favorite Radiohead album. 1) Because I just plain love it and 2)when they made this record it was before they had time to buy into some of their hype- you know, before they became the quintessential go-to cool college kid fave band... etc etc. Well... yeah, something like that. I've been getting all of my recipes together and I can't wait to take over the kitchen at my house. Plus I'm looking into some lovely little craft and recipe ideas in my Amy Sedaris hospitality book, God love her. Lots of yummy holiday food stuffs are waiting to be prepared by yours truly. Joy!

Looking forward to pajama pants, blankets, gal pals, family, baked goods, good books, good movies, Jasmine, my room, my bed, and sleep.

Merry Me!

27 days to go until Christmas!

Ok. Here goes. That brain of mine- I did some cleaning up around there! Lit up the dark corners and swept up the cobwebs. Its almost nice inside!

Let me just start by saying "wow." Just last week I grew up quite a bit! Not just a little bit but a lot a bit. The only other thing I have to say on the matter is that the world didn't end and I am still alive. It’s nice to put some questions to rest even if the answers aren't what you had anticipated.

Dare I say that I might actually be starting to like myself? Wait...yeah. I can say that because it’s true. I like myself! What a step it is for me to say such things! After finding myself in a familiar situation I tried desperately to revert back to my old self loathing ways. But my ways didn't work. Nope. Not this time around. I realized that all of my old tricks and hurtful words that I used to beat myself down don't have any effect on me anymore- because I know that they aren't true. Breakthrough!

Also- I have been really flakey with school. Not grades because those are solid.... just the idea of finishing it up made me... flakey. It all just sort of stems from not being sure what I should do in life, my major... uh whatever I have written like, infinity entries on this but ANYWAY- yeah. I have gone back and forth with this education major of mine. I'm sure I still will but at the moment I have decided to take it and just run run run with it. Elizabeth and I have talked about teaching over in England (which is something that I would really love love to do) and I plan on investigating this matter further. Part of the reason why I was so unsure about this major is because there were times when my future would flash before my eyes- student teaching in a place like Keller, getting an apartment by myself, a sad pathetic cat, tv dinners, Texas forever. Not my cup of tea, that scenario. But it doesn't have to be that way. It’s a nice feeling- this can-do feeling. I’m young, I’m not tied to anyone or anything. It’s time to start enjoying myself and the path that I have found myself on.

You know what else is nice? Losing weight. I’m down 25 lbs since August. Score.

Cheers.

I tried about two or three times to write some stuff down but I just can't right now. There is simply too much to say. Some good, some bad, some just... blah. But the overall tone would have been/will be pretty positive.



One time when I was little I was watching an episode of the Muppet Babies cartoon. There was talk about writers block. One of the Muppet babies began to daydream and envisioned he/she walking down a path and coming upon an alphabet block lost among a tangle of grass and weeds. So now, all these years later, when I think about writers block I think about the Muppet babies and alphabet blocks.

more substantial stuff later. i'm off to make myself a s'more.

"Pick them turds up."

-Tales from Operation Kindness-



Yes. That is what I did this morning. I picked up turds. Lots and lots of them. I went in to Op. Kindness early this morning around 7. I didn't realize that it is around this hour that all of the dirtiest jobs need to get done. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I awoke and got dressed in my pink volunteer t-shirt, applied the face, grabbed a polo sweater, and hit the road heading towards operation kindness for what I thought would be a relaxing morning of dog walking in the crisp and chilly weather. Wrong wrong wrong. This morning I worked with Trina, a 50 something lady with a bunch of nervous ticks (nothing against her, just observing), cleaning out 20+ kennels. Around kennel # 3 I threw caution to the wind and decided that there would be no half-ass effort on my part. I was all in, baby. Poop on my clothes? No big. Trina is a funny character. She set me to work pretty quick and gave me instructions like "Pick them turds up" and "don't slip in all this urine, honey." At one point I could hear her muttering "Shit, shit, shit...I can't believe this shit" under her breath and it made my chuckle. Trina was right though....I have never seen so much shit and piss in all my life. However, it was a job that needed to be done and I done did it.(without the least bit of fecal slurry spattering my pretty pink volunteer t-shirt. Brav-AH!)


Had I been allowed or had the proper accommodations I would have totally adopted a dog today. His name is Bugsy (I prefer to call him Mr. Bugsy Malone) and he is a mutt/stray. He somewhat resembles the dog from one of my favorite childhood Christmas Eve reads- The Puppy Who Wanted a Boy (tear jerker). He was abandoned at the shelter in the middle of the night- let behind in a pet carrier outside the back door. He may be slightly stinky in addition to being stricken with a terminal case of halitosis.... he may not be the most attractive dog (i.e those little tiny toy dogs that a certain breed of gal likes carrying around as an accessory)but he is the sweetest dog that I have come across. He is so dear and so trusting. I took him for a walk this afternoon and we took a break on one of the benches in the memorial garden. He jumped up and sat beside me with his front leg resting on my leg. He pushed his head underneath my arm and just rested there for a little while. I wanted to take him home and love him forever. When it came time to return him to his kennel it nearly broke my heart. I had to gingerly push him back in because he wasn't willing to go in on his own. As I locked him in he gave me this look that seemed to communicate "You don't want to keep me?" and I just about couldn't take it. Dogs really do have so much heart and personality and such a serious need to be loved and appreciated. I guess that's why I love them so- because I can totally empathize with all of the above. Mr. Bugsy will find a good home soon I'm sure. I don't see how someone couldn't want such a sweet and lovely stinky pup. <3

Just one more thing.

I am elated right now because I have just recently discovered that two of my papers aren't going to be due until next week!- also I have gotten my volunteer time extended so I'll be there through November. These recent discoveries have made me so happy that I am almost able to forget that my suite mate has practically used an entire bottle of my facial cleanser. But oh well. I literally don't care at this point. There are lots of things to be happy about.

Things I like... things I don't.

I really like:

-reading in my spare time

-the new cool/cold weather

-Radiant Worship and how they kind of sound like Jeff Buckley

-enjoying things and people and not taking the good times for granted

-turning out all the lights and watching movies on my computer in bed before I go to sleep

-honesty

-driving around (with the heater on!)

-walking around campus in the cold as a form of exercise

-my communications class/group/and the volunteer work we're doing


I really dislike:

-this whole growing up thing... just not ready

-'low disk space' on my computer

-not having a kitchen to cook/bake in

-my red face and nervous laugh

-being charged to do a load of laundry

-not knowing how to act

-gas prices


Lists are always good.

Last night I got really sad because I miss Elizabeth so much. Skype is such a tease. I haven't been able to hang out with her in so long and it is really starting to get to me.

My dreams are really effed up. I was taking a nap the other day and I had a dream that I was topless and trying to steal from a family on welfare....then I went to Wal-Mart to purchase Fly Away Home for $5 and after returning home realized that I had purchased The Good Son, instead. Does this dream hold any kind of significance at all? I must just be crazy.

I'm ready for the holidays.

UPDATEzZz

I really hate that (some) paperbacks are so expensive. I have been wanting to read Into the Wild for quite a long time but when I went to Barnes & Noble last night to pick up a copy they expected me to pay $14 in exchange. No thanks! I went to the library to get a library card but no dice. I don't have a mailing address in Denton so no library card for me. I went to Wal-Mart to find a less expensive copy, but alas, there wasn't one to be found. So, I bought the Kite Runner instead and thus far it has been a really enjoyable read.

Exciting news!@!@: I am probably going to be making the trek to Newcastle this summer to see EBETH! We are in the process of making plans and and and I am excited beyond words...excited and scared. air...plane..sky...water. Oh well... deep breath... aaaand mom and I might be taking a long overdue trip to a City of the New York persuasion. HURRAY!

In other news-

I have pretty much made it my mission as of late to, uh...well... stop being such a fat ass. It is something that really bleeds over into practically every area of my life and it is time that I took control. It is a combination of “I want to get healthy/be pretty” kind of a thing… since the thin = pretty rule seems to apply to me. This being said, I feel the need to rant a bit. What's the deal with cafeteria food? Am I right?? But seriously... GROSS. I should write a letter to the powers that be because the food that I am served on a daily basis is out of order! Why, oh why, would one ever consider serving pizza, chicken fingers, french fries, and cookies all at the same damn time. Perhaps UNT dining services should expand the menu to include healthier options for those of us who don't want to clog our arteries. The veggie selection is ridiculous, not to mention, totally disgusting. The meals are prepared by student workers who really don't give a care about the quality of the food. The other night I went to get some asparagus and the woody ends hadn't even been cut off. Plus, all of the veggies continue to cook because they sit in large metal vats that are continuously heated by steam... making for soggy, mushy, brown, and unrecognizable, overcooked veggies. Sick. I am not cut out for cafeteria life. The idea of food being prepared in mass quantities just really grosses me out for some reason. The only safe haven of sorts that I have been able to find is the salad bar in Bruce Hall. It isn't stellar but at least it doesn't feature 3-4 starches on a nightly basis. However, it can gross me out too at times. Especially the section devoted to condiments- huge bowls of salad dressing and such that sit for hours on end, scattered atop a bed of ice. This isn't the ideal cooling system because all of the dressings are still able to develop that undesirable "skin" on top. ALSO- (I'm still ranting here, please forgive) what in the hell is wrong with some people?- in regard to their food choices at least.... I mean geeeeez. The other day I went to Bruce to get some Bran Cereal. This TAMS kid came up next to me, grabbed a glass, filled it with vanilla ice cream, coke, and peanut butter. Ewwww.... at 9:30? Really?? Sick. How does that not make you feel horrible?? EAT SOME EFFING FRUIT. Ice cream doesn't need to be served from open to close. Also- why 20 different choices of sugar cereal and only a handful of healthy ones??? Ok. I feel loads better.

Christmas is getting closer everyday. <3

I faced off with a cop last night to defend Kristin's honor. Guys at bars are nasty but galfriends are fun. I am starting to feel trapped again... school, major, future... all that stuff. The things that I really want out of life are not things that I can get with a degree. Blah. Still smiling though :) Don't know what the hell else to do.

AlternativeTV Xanga stylie.

just like the olden days.

MY CURRENT LIFE IN 85 QUESTIONS:

What was the highlight of your week?
This little boy (about 2 1/2 I'd say) was walking with his mom today and it was real windy outside. We passed each other and he started pointing at me and smiling saying, "Her! Her!" He did a little kid wave and said a long drawn out "Hiiiiiii!" with his long curly hair blowing in his eyes. His little face was all scrunched up and his eyes were pretty much closed but that smile was beamin' bright! It made my day and quite possibly my week.


Who's car were you in last?
My own, I suppose. I always find myself the chauffeur in social situations- usually by choice, though. Guess that makes me a control freak? Or an enthusiastic motorist.


When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Next? First? Dunno.


What color shirt are you wearing?
Gweeeen.

How long is your hair?
Long enough for swangin' around to make a point.


Last movie you saw?
Mr. Bean's Holiday aaaand yes. It was good.


Last thing you ate?
Strawberry Applesauce.


What was last thing you drank?
Waters.

Are you happy right now?
Happy enough.


What did you say last?
Sweet Dreams. Love you.

Where is your phone?
On my rug next to my books... that need to be opened. and read. and memorized.


What was the last museum you went to?
The Gregg County Historical Museum! With Ms. Monica! In the summer! After lunch at Taco San Luis in downtown L*View.

What color are your eyes?
Greenie Blue-like... I've been told that, anyway.


Who came over last?
Mi RA Olivia


Who/what do you hate/dislike currently?
Ghosts and parking citations.

What are you listening to?
Joanna Newsom and girly piano folk rock.

If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Hugs from special people.


What are your favorite stores?
Anthropologie and Sephora really appeal to my superficial side.
TJ Maxx for the thrifty side.
Central Market for the well established, don't give a second thought to buying $12.00 cheese, kind of a gal I someday hope to become.


What makes you the happiest?
Hugs and smiles from special people.


What were you doing at midnight last night?
Chatting on AIM.


Are you left-handed?
Correct.


What's for dinner tonight?
Skipped it.

Who was the last person to send you a text message?
E*Beth! All the way from England!@!


When was the last time you went in a pool?
It's been years. Low self esteem tells me that I should never own a bathing suit and forget about wearing one, sister!


Where was the last place you went shopping?
Kroger. I needed a mini stapler.


How do you feel about your hair right now?
Uhh.... whimsical?


Do you have any expensive jewelry?
Maybe someday.


AIM or MSN?
AIM- a sad medium but I still use it anyway.


Where does most of your family live?
East Texas


What was the first thing you thought when you woke up this morning?
Uhh... I better finish that homework.


Do you drink beer?
Beers with buddies are good.


Who do you miss?
A number of folks. The g'parents and parents.


What is/was your favorite subject in school?
British Lit... any type of Lit, really.


Do you have any talents?
Mediocre talents? A plethora!


Do you have any children?
I want a doggie... two, actually. 2 english bull terriers (Max and Marco) They will be my children until I'm in the position to have real human ones.

Did you take a nap today?
I accidentally fell asleep at 4:30 and awoke at 7.


Ever met someone famous?
Don Henley. And Jason Newsted from Metallica.


Do you want to be famous one day?
Famous for what exactly?


Could you handle being in the military?
No no no no.


Ever been to Las Vegas?
No. And I don't really plan on going. I'd rather spend some of my time in Boston or another New England area.


When is the last time you updated your blog?
A few days ago


Have you been to New York City?
Not yet :(


Ever been to Disneyland/world?
WORLD. Yes!


Last thing you cooked?
Tom Kha Coconut soup. No good.

Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone?
I've never done anything stupid with a cell phone.


Last time you were sick?
I got food poisoning last year. My fingernails turned blue! I don't know what that means but I think it had something to do with tainted foods.


Do you like anyone right now?
The obligatory survey question.
I like many people. I like like one person. But I'm a coward.


Do you think anyone will repost this?
a person named.... Umberto.

Name droppin'

Yay yay it was a good week. I have tests next week but I find myself to be extremely well prepared? Go figure.

I am really thankful at the moment for a lot of different things- but the featured players are center stage. My RA, Olivia, is simply amazing. We scheduled some serious dork hang out time last night. It's nice knowing that there are people like you out there. She is like me and it will be good fun to have her right down the hall this year. Kena and I will be planning game nights this semester with some pretty neat girls and I think I am going to start working out with Nina. I'm going to Austin to visit Angie and Matt Gilbert this semester and maybe even Camcorder, too! Then at some point its off to OKC to watch my beloved Amy Sue on the court one last time. Kristin and I had a deep chat the other night. Good convos are always nice especially with someone who knows where you come from. Tomorrow it's lunchables with Ackert then hang out time with Wendy, & later pizza from Ibu. Thennnn Saturday I'm in Dallas to see what I can get into. I love people and some of them just might like me, too. I love friendships and hugs and smiles! I miss my 'view girls more than I can say. I'll see them soon though. Longview visit due in 2 weeks. I'll make my way to Nac while I'm there to see Kimbo and give out belated b-day gifts. I also purchased a very special kitty cat necktie for Mr. Hobbes :) Can't wait.

It was still almost slightly chilly today. Grandmother's red coat weather coming soon!

I miss Elizabeth. I need a plane ticket. Skype doesn't cut it!

Almost pumpkin time.

It was almost slightly chilly outside today! Almost fall almost fall!!- One of my favorite seasons... but anytime a new season is upon me I always think of it as my favorite. I was in such a good mood today... silly happy. I went to the grocery store for some Odwalla and listened to King's of Leon the whole way with a big smile on my face. Fall makes me happy. It brings to mind colors of red, orange, and yellow and it makes me want to bake some of my pumpkin cookies. My amazing pumpkin cookies! The other day I was walking to class and I saw a mother squirrel transferring her little baby squirrels from one tree to another. It was pretty adorable. As I was admiring this some weird boy with dopey glasses walked past me and said "Huh (laughing) How you think those things have sex?? (laughing)." Moment killer...

In other news Ted Leo is coming to Denton and Zach G is coming to Dallas. I'm a happy camper.

Oh, Gilda.

Oh, Gilda. How I love thee. One of my favorite things to do is watch classic SNL. And when I say classic, I mean classic circa first 5 seasons- when it was at its absolute best. Some of my twenty something counterparts may think of Sandler, Farley, Spade, and Ferrell as classic but they are sadly, sadly mistaken. Don't get me wrong- Those fellas were good but they simply can't compare to Chevy, Jane, Gilda, Aykroyd, Bill, Belushi, etc etc. Gilda is my all time favorite SNL prime time player. Belushi once said that there are no funny women comedians and for the most part I would have to agree with him. But as far as Gilda is concerned I don't think that there has ever been/will ever be a female comedian who can come close. I admire her for many reasons but mostly because she is so damn funny.

I want a waterbed.

It doesn't seem like too much to ask for.

Do they even still make those things? We used to have one in the spare bedroom when I was younger. I used to try to surf on it with a yellow and purple boogie board I got from Galveston. The cresting 'waves' of the blue and white rose bedspread gave me a fairly realistic interpretation of the real life breakers and it was my favorite past time there for awhile.

I liked to change sleeping locations as a child and some nights I would sleep in the middle bedroom on that big ol' waterbed. It was a real event in my book. I would usually pack a bag, gather together the kids (my teddy bears), and select the appropriate reading material before sealing the door to my room. (In order to simulate a realistic overnight experience it was a rule that I couldn't enter my room until the next morning. i.e. get your shit together, Jordan because there is no way you're going back into that room. You think you might want Puddles the Dog later? Then you better effing take him with you) The overnight excursions to the spare bedroom where the closest thing to a real life sleepover for me. I always loved the idea of a slumber party but when I was actually invited to a real one I would reject the invitation (thanks in part to separation anxiety and bed wetting if we really want to get down to it).

I don't really know what happened to our waterbed. My parents sold it some years ago for whatever reason and since then the spare bedroom has become a haven for my dad's miscellaneous collection of crap. It now houses 2 recliners, a vast array of mix matched paintings, a lava lamp, and an American flag (not for the sake of patriotism but for the sake of covering up holes in the wall. Why spackle and paint when you can just use the subtle size and colors of our Nation's flag to deflect from the diminutive tack holes.) It doesn't end there. Underneath piles of unopened junk mail sits makeshift milk crate side tables (because my father, ever the sensible and frugal man, will tell you that there is no need to spend hard earned money on a side table when you can turn a milk crate upside down and just throw a towel over it. That will hold your scotch just fine, buster.)

This house has gone down hill since the heyday of my youth. I don't really know why my parents have let it go. It is crying out to be repaired and just plain cleaned up for Heaven('s?) sake! I'd like to give it some well deserved attention but it doesn't really feel like my place anymore. The home that exists in my mind is not the one that stands today. And that's ok. Eventually I will be able to create my own home just for me (and maybe an additional party if they're looking to split the rent and share a lifetime or whatever). It will be clean, and cozy, and personalized by moi. I look forward to filling with my own miscellanious collection of (sentimental) crap. And maybe, if I'm lucky, there will be a waterbed in the spare room.

I know that it makes me sound stupid but I just realized within the past year that it is completely pointless to try and plan out your life. Maybe I haven't fully learned this lesson though seeing as how I still hold grand expectations for things in different areas of my life. Maybe I'll learn someday.

I miss my lady friends. I only saw Amy once in mid may, I may have seen Kim two or three times, and Cara didn't even come back to Longivew. I miss them. I really miss them. Especially Amy- the most loyal friend I have/will ever have. I just won't think about how much I miss them anymore right now because I'll be crying in the next 2 minutes.

I should probably get a job this semester.

I need to read more. I need to work out. Maybe physical activity will stop the self-hatred dead in its tracks. I'll go to the rec tomorrow morning. Perhaps I can start a routine and get in shape. I'd like to say that I want to get in shape to be healthy but that would just be a lie. I'd rather be hot. A hot, in shape, well read kind of lady. That sounds nice.

My nerves turn me into a bitch sometimes. I really hate that. I don't know why I am so mean to myself sometimes. I don't know why I think I deserve it.

I'm going home this weekend to see Elizabeth off. It's something that I am not really looking forward to and possibly the source of my bad/sad mood at the moment. I am selfish. Sometimes I just wish that I could hold on to all of the people that I love and never let them go. I want everyone to stop moving even if it's only for a little bit before they get too far away and can't come back. That can't happen so I'll get over it and stop devoting so much energy to unrealistic wishes.

Sometimes I laugh at the show Intervention. It's not something I'm proud of but it's true.

Hot Mess.

My room is a hot mess right now. I always get sidetracked when I need to be focused on the task at hand. I was packing up my dorm stuffs when I decided that it would be a good idea to go through old photos that I had stashed under my bed. Old old photos of my grandpa in the navy and stuff. All of these old photos are scattered on my bed, crap that should be in the trunk of my car litters my floor and now I am writing this. Why? Because I am being one filthy little procrastinator. I still got things accomplished today in the sense that I have all my DVDs packed (quite the task, i tell you) and I finished Wendy's birthday present. Elizabeth will be over soon for FOTC and I'll try not to think about how that little bitch is leaving me. GAH. Tomorrow it's Denton here I come for what I hope will be a most enjoyable semester.

More.

I've got a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. I'm feeling a lot of different things all at once.

For starters, it is finally setting in that Elizabeth is going to Newcastle. The past few nights have been really emotional for me. When I start to settle in for the night it will just pop into my head that she will be gone soon. I know that I can visit her (for a price and a very expensive price at that) but it won't be the same. And then when I think about Elizabeth I start to think about my other friends and how a lot of them will soon be starting there sort of official adult lives...careers, marriages, moving away. I feel so left behind. I don't know how to catch up. I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone, and I don't know where I'll end up. I am ready to start my life (just like everyone else seems to be doing) but I don't know how. It's frustrating.

I really hate what my vanity is doing to me. It's making me hate myself. Gah... what a dumb girl.

I'm still being positive though, right? I'm still excited about the semester, right? Yeah. Yeah I am. Ok. good.

Another blast from el past.

Currently: I really like work. I really like the money I get for work. I really like summer. I really like liking a boy.

Even though the summer has been incredibly uneventful, I have still enjoyed myself nonetheless. I haven't taken any big, exciting trips or anything, but the little weekend road trips to here and there have been enjoyable. I had a great family weekend with my favorite aunts and cousins in honor of my 21st birthday. I don't really have a lot of experience with the drinking scene, but I must say- I can really hold my liquor. I had a good weekend in Denton with good people. All in all- a pretty damn good leisurely summer.

One thing that isn't making me happy- E*beth is leaving for Newcastle very very soon. She told me the other day that she probably won't be coming back. I'm just trying not to think about it. On a positive note, I have always wanted to go to England and now it seems I may have a very good reason to go and stay for a long period of time. She has asked me to be her lodger and I just may take her up on the offer at some point.

I started reading my old diary again. Here's another entry I find fitting straight from the heart of a 12-year-old me.

__________________________________________________________________

June 9, 1999.

I am watching Conan O'Brien. He is funny but I like Andy Richter better, I think. I love watching the show. I am glad I can watch it because it's summer. I am glad that I have you as my diary. :) Sometimes I can't wait to get older so that I can look back at this and remember what it was like to feel small. But still I think that and know I should be happy being little. Sometimes what upsets me is that our whole lives are spent wanting to be something else. Like, when you are little you want to be big and when you are big you want to be little.

Jordan Hillin

__________________________________________________________________

Hmmm. Amen 12-year-old me. I think I may feel ready for the semester. Maybe. Maybe not. I am interested to see what it brings. Hopefully good, happy, fun things. And good grades and stuff.

I'm feeling pretty happy right now. I think I will buy a fish tank. and fish tank stuffs. and FISH!

"...and Christmases were beautiful."

"Have You Forgotten" is simply one of the best songs ever written. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy about my childhood. If you haven't heard it then go take a listen.

"Christmases were beautiful... and the sentiment of color mirrored ornaments."

When I was nine, one Christmas my parents surprised me by decorating my room with tiny multi colored Christmas lights. It made my room feel like magic. I can still vividly recall the way the little lights lit up my walls, highlighting my puppy and horse posters not to mention the BOP magazine pull out pages of JTT and the mix matched putt putt golf and games prizes I had carefully arranged on my nightstands and desk. I used the Christmas lights as a night light for the month of December and most of January, too. Finally, I asked my parents to take them down, not because I was tired of them, but simply because I didn't want to become accustomed to them. I still wanted them to feel just as magical when next December rolled around. Even though it is presently the month of July, I decided to try and recapture that magic feeling a few weeks ago. I was up at about 2 AM when I went to the garage to dig out some old Christmas lights. By 3AM I had them up and glowing their magical rainbow glow and it made me feel nice... just plain nice. There was something reassuring about it. It's crazy inside my head lately but when I sit on my bed, all made up and stacked high with pillows, I lean back and think to myself that there will come a day when I can feel as content and as safe as I once did as a nine year old at Christmas time with her room lovingly decorated by her parents with scores of rainbow Christmas lights.



Have You Forgotten
Red House Painters

I can't let you be
Because your beauty wont allow me
Wrapped in white sheets
Like and Angel from a bedtime story
Shut out what they say
Because your friends are fucked up anyway
and when they come around
Somehow they feel up and you feel down


When we were kids
We hared things our parents did
We listened low to Casey kasem's radio show
That's when friends were nice
To think of them just makes you feel nice
The smell of grass in spring
and October leaves cover everything

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

I can't believe
All the good things that you do for me
Sit back in the chair
Like the princess from a far away place
Nobody's nice
When you're older your heart turns to ice
Shut out what they say
They're too dumb to mean it anyway

When we were kids
We hated things our sisters did
Backyard summer pools and Christmas were beautiful
and the sentiment of colored mirrored ornaments
and the open drapes look out on frozen farms house landscapes

Have you forgotten how to love yourself?

Pink flowers and teddy bears.

It's been quite a while. Not that anyone has been waiting for anything. So. I have found myself in a dilemma. It is controlling me everyday. Oh well. We shall see if there is a payoff.

Well, I found my old diary the other day. My old pink, floral, teddy bear covered diary. It was hidden under some stuff in the bottom drawer of my wicker nightstand. The first entry is from Feb. 12, 1999, when I was 12.

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Feb. 12, 1999 (12 yrs.)

Diary, (TGIF)

SO... a little list of what I did today.

5:15 AM: My clock radio goes off as loud as it can go. I hear it but roll over to fall back asleep. Next thing I know it is 6:40 and I have to get my shower.
7:00- I get out of the shower soaking wet. I have to do my hair and find something to wear.
7:30- My hair is done and I have an uneasy feeling. I don't know why.
7:40- Mom and I get in the car and she takes me to school.
7:45- I am at school in Mr. Beltran's room. All of the PALS are in there with their cut out hearts getting ready to deliver the mail-o-grams. It is loud, noisy, and fun.
8:05- Bell. I start to deliver some mail-o-grams. Unlike everyone else, I don't have a big cardboard heart to wear and I feel dumb.
8:15- I get to Career Exploration in Mrs. Haney's room. She wasn't there because she was a judge for the UIL contest. The sub shows me my average for the 6 wks. and it's a 100.
2nd period. People are mean to me and call me a stuck up prep. They told me that my sweater was ugly and call me sweater girl.
3rd period. There is a sub and we spend the time reading.
4th period. DARE. Talk about drugs.
5th period. Band- but we didn't play our instruments. All the clarinets sat in the ensemble rooms and talked. (Alison Brashear, Sarah Pevey, Lauren Snyder, Shannon Sullivan) We talked about boys and friends and the Simpsons. Last night during the Simpsons some porn accidentally started playing. It was only 4 seconds but it was a girl giving a guy a BJ. I didn't see it but I guess it was graphic. :/
-Lunch-
6th period Math. We go to Mrs. Jones' class because Seimars is a UIL judge.
Last period is Texas history with Mr. Beltran. We read and grade papers. I get on the bus to go home and the sub is Mrs Debbie, my 2nd grade bus driver. She gave me a hug and it made me happy. I get home and wait for mom. When she comes home we go to the mall and then get dinner at Papacitas. It was really good. We get home at about 10 and fall asleep watching TV. We are going to Texarkana tomorrow to see Ma and Pa.

Jordan Hillin

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Most of my entries are about how I think I'm fat and how I am all alone and will continue to be all alone. So not much has changed in the past 8 years.

Oh, well. Lets be positive here:

Things that have been keeping me up... as opposed to down.

- My room
- Jasmine
- Parents
- Food stuffs
- Work (but more specifically the money)
- People at work (Like Ms. Christen and Ms. Monica)
- Old SJP and Claire Danes Letterman interviews on youtube
- Legal drankin'
- Elizabeth. I'm trying hard not to think about how she'll soon be leaving the country.

I miss my kimbo and amy so bad it hurts.

Sadly still a member (a 21-year-old member) of the NBK club. The truth of that makes turning 21 very depressing.

Kiss. Kiss.

Memories/Favourites/Other.

Some random (that's the most overly used word by twentysomethings) thoughts.

I was raised on Nickelodeon and Nick at Nite. My favorites from the after 6 PM programming were:
- I Love Lucy
- The Lucielle Ball Show
- The Lucy Desi Comedy Hour
- Newhart ("This is my brother Daryl and this is my other brother Daryl.")
- The Bob Newhart Show
- Taxi
- Mary Tyler Moore Show
- Get Smart
- The Munsters
- Bewitched
- I Dream of Jennie
- (and on a rare occasion) Dragnet
*Sometimes when I would wake up early on weekdays (we are talking 5-ish, I would enjoy Mr. Wizard)

In Love: with Goesl's Parade

I am currently in love with Goesl's Parade, a Christian band from Texarkana. I usually find it difficult to listen to "Christian" music simply because, in my mind at least, there is a stigma attached- this thought or idea that it isn't "as good" as the secular stuff. I guess I think this because it seems like an artist's religious affiliation could hinder their artistic freedom. I don't know... that is just kind of how I feel sometimes. But anyway, back to Goesl's Parade.

I'm not usually a fan of "Christian" rock/indie stuff but when I listened to some samples from their "debut full length effort" it was instant love. I ordered their CD from CDbaby and I have been listening to it like crazy.


I love this guy called Jesus. Sometimes (rarely) I like to listen to songs about how awesome He is but I usually don't dig the song style. That has changed now thanks to Goesl's Parade. Their stuff, for lack of a better word, really "mooooves" me. I can't really put it into words, but it like, moves me, like, a lot. That's the best I can do because the feelings are running pretty deep way down in the heart space.

The lyrics, the vocals, the sound as a whole- is tops.

Favorites:

Piano Song:
I've fallen to the bottom
With no where else to go
My knees they ache from crawling
Down this road alone
- - - -
And now I need a savior
To break this heart of stone
Oh, I'm useless in this state I'm in
And willing to let go.

Rescued:
Come Lord and rescue me
Hold me in your arms away from this world
Come Lord and rescue me
Wrap your arms around me to never let go
And I feel your hand lord
I feel your grace
And I feel your presence here in this place
Oh, hallelujah
Christ, my savior
I've been redeemed by the Lamb that was slain

Uhhh...Road Trip?? Hello?

I want to take a road trip up North this summer almost more than anything. The only problem is that I have absolutely no one to go with. I thought that E*beth and I would be able to take a mini road trip this summer around Texas but plans have fallen apart since she decided to take summer school at the last minute. I hope I don't sound like a horrible friend but I can't really think of anyone that I would want to spend a substantial amount of 'in-car' time with. It doesn't really matter anyway because everyone seems to be super busy this summer. All I want to do is jump in the car with my backpack and a very likeable, smiley-faced, easy going person and drive up to Vermont, Maine, and Massachusetts. I want to have myself a nice Maine lobster and then go hang out at the JFK presidential library.

Someone drive down this road with me! We'll smile/laugh/eat homemade pumpkin cookies!

Surely, there has to be someone who shares the same interests. If I don't know you yet then hurry the H up and get all up in my life and lets make this happen.

I am cooking up a storm lately- that's probably to make up for not having a real kitchen this year. Tomorrow I am making IKEA apple cake!

'This Old House' and other tales.

My house- Is a very, very, very fine house etc.
Now that summer is here and I am back on Northridge Dr., I want it to be everything that I dreamed it would be, but sadly it isn't- and all because of one petty, petty reason. This house is down right filthy disgusting! I mean, really really disgusting. Where my parents initiative to 'keep house' has gone, well, I really just can't say. First off, I just want to say to my mom, "I have asthma, YO! So stop smoking in the house!" The smell lingers in the carpet, drapes, pillows, etc. And just a little p.s. to mom or dad or whomever- CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF. I mean seriously, I never thought that the roles would be so reversed. I never thought that I would be nagging my 50 and 60 something year old parents to clean this joint up but that is exactly what I am doing. Well, sorta. I don't really have the heart to tell them that they are lacking sanitation activity. Maybe they'll sense my desire for them to clean when they see me doing a lot of hard labour like cleaning out the fridge or scrubbing the floorts. Because, seriously, old orange juice stains, unrecognizable bits of food/goo and hair/dustballs bigger than Jasmine- not a good look- doesn't shout "walk on me barefoot!" or "eat what's inside of me!"...heh.

In other news- I have a new vice and I don't plan on letting it go anytime soon. I've always thought my life to be fairly uneventful and predictable. It will be interesting to see how things will play out now. Like most vices, it isn't very healthy, but some things are worth the sacrifice.

I'm surrounded by a lot of lovey dovey stuff. It's pretty gross. I'm about to remove the filter. I wonder how certain relationships last. Going on my observations, because that's all that I have to go on, there is always a giver and a taker (obvious, I know). There is always one party who gives too much and another who takes too much. How does it last? I have decided that I will more than likely be alone forever because A) no one will ever love me or B) I won't let them. Oh well. I'm very hardened to the idea of love because it isn't real- at least not for me. But I think I just might be ok with that. I can get along just fine on my own. If I don't expect things from people, namely boys, then I will never be disappointed. Fuck it. I'm turning my back first.


I need to figure out what to do for my birthday. 21.

Same.

I helped Kristin pack up her apartment yesterday- she graduates next week. I talked with Wendy about her graduating in December and Elizabeth applied to grad school the other day. Kim, Amy, and Cara are quickly on their way to graduating as well. Throw in a few serious relationships and you've got some full blown grown ups on your hands. I feel like such a baby in comparison and I get really angry at myself sometimes. I've been feeling really alone, lately, and really really stupid.... and that's it.

"I Got Dem Ol' Kozmic Blues Again, Mama"

This one is probably going to be really heavy, so I'll start off with something light and low cal.

On summer:

Summer is almost here. It makes me happy and it makes me think of the following:
- My house
- My room at home and my super comfy bed and nostalgia stuffs.
- Pastels
- Sunshine & green grass
- Homemade smoothies
- The promise of exercise and that "Oh, man I really am going to lose 25 lbs. this summer" kind of mentality.
- Money making time, son!
- Summertime mood music <3
- Jasmine

This summer is going to be a lot different from ones previous because it marks the first summer that my dearest Kim and Amy won't be returning to the View. They are like, grown up now? - with apartments and bills and careers. That makes me feel very... whatever the word. So no laying out by the pool, dinner making, late lunches downtown etc. This summer is going to be a real test without them, but I'll try to manage.

I've been gearing up for summer with my ever appropriate "summertime mood music." At the top of my heavy rotation playlist is one Ms. Janis Joplin. I love Janis. "Maybe" would have to be one the single greatest recordings of. all. time. There is something about her music that makes me feel carefree and at ease, whilst still allowing me to ponder the melancholy of life and all my lovers' cheatin' hearts. I think I love the tunes because I grew up with my dad listening to her and telling me stories about how they both grew up an hour away from each other. "She was just down the dirt road from me" is how my Dad likes to tell it. She suites my taste because I have long been under the impression that I was born in the wrong decade. Here's to Janis.


On Boys:

Hmmm... well, ok. Sometimes I think that love isn't real. Like, REAL love isn't real. The kind of love that I hope for isn't the kind of "love" that seems to be abundant in the world.

I would also like to add that I am currently under the impression that I have boys completely figured out. The conclusion that I have come to isn't a good one and as much as I love to be right (and believe me, I do) I pray to God that I am wrong about this one. But so far, all signs point to ---> NO.

I haven't had a crush on someone for about 3 years now, which scares me a little bit because I think that proves me to be callused and cynical about relationships. Yeah, ok, so I've never actually been in a relationship... not even close, but still. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone and feeling like boys are just too stupid to realize how awesome I am. Because seriously, I am a little bit awesome. That should count for something, I think.

My growth has been stunted in terms of boys and relationships. I still feel the same way about boys and "feelings of like" as I did when I was in second grade and that is: 1.) I like a boy for a prolonged period of time but of course do nothing about it. 2.) I confess these feelings to someone all the while hoping that they will both a) keep this information secret in addition to b) informing the young gentleman of my affection. Though I wish for this I am always mortified to find out that 3.) the boy has been informed of my feelings which usually results in 4.) me feeling super embarrassed and self conscious which of course ultimately results in 5.) my complete avoidance of the boy in question for all the remaining days of my life.

I guess I don't have to tell you that I haven't had the greatest experience in this arena. I can't say with any certainty that I will ever be able to grow out of this way of thinking... so only time will tell and sometimes I fear that time will tell me that I am, well... stupid (in addition to being A-L-O-N-E) I guess I would much rather play it safe instead of being vulnerable and saying "Hey you! I like you! Reject me!"

On College/Life/Future

Oh boy... this one is going to reek of negativity much like the xanga entries of the Kilgore era.

I had an appointment with my advisor yesterday- April 23, 2007 @ 3:00 PM. I've needed to speak with her since...oooh... last semester. Confusion, coupled with pressure and uncertainty resulted in a tear-fest in her office, I'm sorry to say.

Ok. Here's the gist. Uh, I don't know what to do with my life. No. Scratch that. I do know what to do, I just don't know how to go about doing it. Make sense? Ok, good.

I suppose that the words "tear-fest" are a bit of an exaggeration seeing as how I was able to maintain some sort of composure. It's just that the moment I started talking about my parents I realized that I was crying. I feel very guilty-very. For a lot of reasons. The guilt has been born out of pressure. Pressure to make my parents happy. Pressure to not make a mistake... ever ever ever. Pressure to figure out just what I will be doing (ultimately) with my life. I think that a large amount of this pressure is mostly intrinsic but if it isn't coming from my parents then who is it coming from? Me? Perhaps. I really don't know how to alleviate this. I guess that with growing up comes conflict. I, never really being a big fan of conflict with the parentals, have been pretty good at avoiding it for the past couple of years. But at what price?

I have to admit, I saved my parents a lot of money by going to Kilgore the first two years. I wasn't happy about it and I will probably always resent it, secretly. I feel like I sacrificed a lot by going there and I really don't want to get into all of the reasons why. Let's just say that I will never get/never had the chance to be a freshman in college. Kilgore really threw me off.

I tried to be optimistic about Kilgore in the beginning. I thought that I may get the chance to take some interesting music or film electives but that didn't happen because Dad wanted me to stay within the core. No biggie, I thought. I'll take those courses when I get to UNT. That will be better. Better content. Better professors. Etc. But then I get to UNT and I become aware that I have no electives left. From here on out it will strictly be edu. classes.

It was mid semester when I realized that for the past two and a half years, I have been living someone else's agenda. And I am not ok with that.

I love my parents- I love them as much as my heart will let me, but there exists a major dichotomy between the two. As far back as I can remember my mom has always told me "You're special. You can do and be whatever you want." My Dad is supportive of my happiness but he is so Murphy's Law that I have almost been conditioned to be cautious. of. ever. single. thing. in. the. entire. universe.

In a nutshell- It's like my mom will tell me to get on a plane and fly to where ever it is that I want to go and my Dad will say, "Yeah, sure. Get on the plane. I just hope that it doesn't crash."

Their school of thought has always made me very uncertain. Aside from feeling conditioned to be overly cautious, I feel like I have been conditioned to be an under achiever as well. When I was a freshman in high school I met with my counselor (whom I have known since the 6th grade) and after reviewing my grades and speaking with me, she signed my up for 3 AP classes. During the summer, without my knowledge, my parents had a talk and my mom called the school to have me taken out of all the AP classes and she also changed my foreign language from French to Spanish. This wasn't met well by me. After many long talks and begging and pleading my parents let me take AP English. Since when do you have to beg to take AP classes? Most kids my age were begging for a later curfew. What planet are my parents from?

I chose education as a major because I love the kiddos and I work well with them. Plus, my Dad has been in the school business for over 30 years. I saw that as a possible beacon of light because if I was ever unsure about how to grow up and establish a career I'll just ask the ol’ man. (maybe that's were the 'under achiever' bit comes in- If I was an edu major, then I could take a road that was already paved and I wouldn't be forced to answer my own questions... I'd just get someone else to answer them for me. I've been cheating at life!) Even from the beginning I was unsure about being an education major but I decided to stick with it and convinced myself that it would get better. Well, it hasn't and I am mad at myself because I knew that it never would. I feel like I have wasted both time and money and that just really sucks.

I feel like I am at a crossroads and I'm not sure what to do about it. I've entertained the idea of taking some time off to contemplate my future. I need to try to remember what it was that I really used to love. I seem to have forgotten these days. I used to have such lofty expectations for myself and I need to retrace my footsteps and try to find where I dropped them... and why?

Oh, There Will Be Blood. You can count on it.

P.T. Anderson's new film, There Will Be Blood, should be coming out sometime this summer. This is P.T.A.'s first ever adaptation because the movie is based on Sinclair's Oil! I'm really interested to see how it turns out. If it's anything else like his other work then it will be, uh... amazing. I can hardly contain myself. This could very well be my dream movie because it's directed by P.T. and it stars Daniel Day-Lewis.

Oh, Daniel Day-Lewis. From an early age, I have had a propensity for developing crushes on unlikely famous fellas. As an 8th grade girl, I fell in love with Nathaniel Poe and I still managed to be attracted to Bill the Butcher some years later. DDL- that guy is fantastic- one of the greatest actors. ever. My affinity for the DDL helps me to feel like an unconventional movie snob because while my teenage counterparts were flocking to the theaters to see "The Hot Chick," I was spending my Friday night at home- cuddling up on the couch to watch “The Crucible” or "In the Name of the Father." I was a bit more taken with the tale of Gerry Conlon and his false implication in an IRA bombing rather than the story of how Rob Schnieder had somehow transformed into a lady. Forget about romantic entanglements with the middle Lawrence boy, I want to know if Gerry Conlon will be exonerated! Now THAT’S entertainment.

I love movies and it’s a serious, committed love. I wish I could figure out a way to make a living just watching them because that would be real neat.- real real neat. I love p.t. He’s one awesome brohouse.



Magnolia is probably the standout for me and my favorite of all his films. Yeah, some people say ‘movies’… I say ‘films’ to sound…uh… more smarter. Does it work? Yes, I think so, too.

School is buggin’ right now and I just wish that I could live atop a Brooklyn brownstone and sell cupcakes.

tv dinner for one.

I am going crazy in my room right now- alone. I am doing too much thinking and that usually leads me to bad places. I'm mad right now. I'm mad because I was really sick this week. Really sick- like throwing up and missing classes sick. None of my friends knew this because none of my friends called me. I just wish that one person would have called to see how I was and cared enough to stiop by with some juice or something. I haven't really seen anyone all week long and I haven't hung out with people all week long. Now that the end of the week is upon me I want to hang out, but can't because 1) my friends don't have time for me right now (which I'm cool with but it still sucks) and 2) Even if they weren't busy we still couldn't all hang out anyway because my group of friends is so polarized that it's just gosh dang ridiculous. Girls are really effing dumb sometimes- myself included, ok? But, still.

Blah, and to make matters worse, Bowling for Soup is playing a set right outside my dorm window. It sounds like a joke but it’s true. Sick.

This is what's making those horrible noises outside the window.

...and it makes me want to kill something with a sharp knife.

Dad says: Tori Spelling + Jason Kidd = Me?

Dad.... Dad, Dad, Dad.

He trys. He really does- and I recognize that. It's just that... sometimes his advice/encouragement comes out sideways. I'm in the midst of a crisis; a life crisis. The problem? I simply just don't know what the H to do with my life. I have no sense of direction which isn't really that shocking at my age.

During my senior year of high school I was talking to my dad about what I might want to be "when I grow up." -What a broad topic of conversation- Am I supposed to be able to pick what I want to do for the rest of my life at the age of 17? I expressed this concern to my dad and his response was, in a 1940's movie "say, kid!" kinda-tone, "Hey! You wanna know what my definition of success is?... (wheels turning in brain, glances at ESPN) Jason Kidd! Know why? Because he is doing what he wants and loves and he's makin' a livin' at the same damn time."



Now, I understand what my dad is saying. I get the gist. But... Jason Kidd as an example? Comments like that really make me think that he doesn’t know me at all sometimes. Plus, that guy doesn't like anything from New Jersey, which makes the comment all the more random and mysterious.

After completing my first full year at UNT, I have come to realize that I have made a terrible mistake. I don't think that I am meant to be a teacher. I was meant for something else, but what that something is I am not sure. It just that, I used to be so idealistic about the way that my life would turn out. I used to see myself as becoming an incredible(unchallenged)teacher, getting married (to an amazingly attractive and wealthy dude who loved me very very much plus he's like a really good person and junk), having kids, and paying a mortgage (on a very large house that was beautifully and expertly decorated by moi) by the time that I reached my mid thirties. I guess I have come to realize lately that I can't plan my life out... as much as I want to, I just can't. I can't bank on any of the above said things happening in a timely manner or at all for that matter, unfortunately. But I'm ok with that. I think that my best bet is just to latch on to something that I like and ride it out until I get to where I want to be. Well, I have some ideas about what I might like to do and the one at the top of my list is RTVF. My cousin Angie, graduated from UT with an RTVF degree. I have been reluctant to express my interest in RTVF with my father seeing as how after Angie graduated he stated, "Now, what in the hell is she gonna do with that? (laughing) Be a movie maker?"


It wasn't until this weekend, when my dad sat me down for a serious discussion about my future, that I finally spoke up about my possible intentions. He told me that the television and film industry is very challenging and narrow and that positions are reserved for "a friend of a friend" or "people how are born into that type of business." I think that he mistook my saying "I'd like to work in television or film" for "Yeah, man. I'm gonna be a movie star." Oh, dad. He also went on to tell me that I would have difficulty getting a job in that arena because I'm "not like Tori Spelling." Wait. I’m NOT?? Damn. I sooo wanted people to think that I was exactly like her. How can I go on living?

My dad says that he never truly wanted me to go into the school business because he has been in it for over 30 years. But I don’t know if I can believe that. I think that in a way he liked the idea of me becoming a teacher because he liked having an idea about what it would take for me to get to that point and what I would be required to do once I got there. RTVF is something that he has no familiarity with whatsoever. I think that he is really uncomfortable with that idea of me choosing a major which (A) he knows nothing about and (B) doesn’t certify or guarantee me any one particular type of job. I understand that he is just worried about me and that he doesn’t want me to have to struggle in life. I understand. I understand. I understand. I just wish that I knew how to tell him to step back and give me some space to fail. It’s something that happens to everyone; failure. I want him to give me some room to breathe and allow me to fail if I make the wrong decision. Let my failure be my own. I can handle it and I can bounce back. I think that is all a part of my becoming an adult. As much as I have tried to avoid it, and as much as my dad has tried to avoid it, I guess I have arrived at square one. I just don’t really know where to go from here… maybe join that facebook group “I picked a major that I liked and one day I will probably be living in a cardboard box.” Yeah. Sure.

Maybe my doing that will bring about some clarity. In fact, I’m sure it will.

Road Trip?

When I was younger, I went to Durango, Colorado with my parents 4 summers in a row between the ages of 9 and 13. I don't really know how our ol' Buick made the trek, but it did. Those trips to Durango gave me some of the best memories of my life. Getting there was always half the fun. It took us 2 full days of driving with an overnight layover in Albuquerque. At that point in my life, I thought it was pretty cool to spend quality time with the folks. I think that now, too, but this is speaking about the before and after of that weird in between period during the jr. high school years when you develop a really strong aversion for your parents. Thankfully it was just a phase, but I digress.

Ridding in the car with my mom, dad, and Jasmine, in our old Buick listening to Hottie and the Blowfish = a good time. I loved getting up at 4 AM to get an early start. I loved listening to music with people that mean the world to me. I loved stopping at road side attractions. I loved watching the landscape change and I loved finally arriving at our destination. I really love Durango. I miss it very much. I've ridden this train. It passed by the condo we used to stay in.



It's been awhile since I had an honest to goodness road trip. I have been entertaining the idea for a few years now that I would have an amazing road trip for my 21st birthday. The road trip would include a car, a couple thousand miles, some good music, and a really swell fellow. I would really like to drive up to Boston and hang out there for a week or so. Maybe do a lot of sightseeing and a little hand holding. Also, because it is my 21st birthday, and that requires a little obligatory boozin', it would be kind of tops to tour the Sam Adams brewery and slam some samples. That sounds like an ideal 21st birthday celebration/road trip. My birthday is in 3 months. I suppose I could make the road trip happen, but there is a key variable that is missing from the equation- namely, the road trip buddy. He is absent and has been forever. Bummer. Where is that boy? Whomever he is- where is he?

I think I may have to settle for the second best thing- a road trip with Elizabeth through the Texas hill country. Texas isn't Boston and Elizabeth isn't a brosef- but hey, that's good enough for me. It's a bit sad though. This will be like a farewell trip. Elizabeth is leaving for grad school at New Castle in England at the end of the summer. I'm scared that we will fall out of touch because, you know, she'll be living in another country- but I don't think we'll drift tooo far apart. I may even summon up the courage to fly over there to see her. Flying isn't my favorite thing, and flying over water definitely isn't my favorite thing. But, if Elizabeth is waiting for me on the other side then I just might be able to do it. I count Elizabeth as one of the best people that I've ever had the privilege of knowing. She has taught me to be more comfortable with my self and helped me to realize that it's ok to be yourself, uh, all the time. I don't think she knows how much she means to me so I'm going to try to let her know before she leaves me behind for a different county. Yep, me and that Elizabeth- We are OTP.

Come forth, and bring with you a heart.

I wish that it was easier for people to recall the reasons why they love each other. Why is it that, as you get older, it can become difficult to remember why you love/loved your friends and why you want/wanted them in your life? I hate that my group of friends has become so polarized. I can't really even explain why in some cases. It doesn't make any sense. I know that friendships can be a challenging endeavor, but usually, in the long run, they are almost always worth the effort.

Lately, all that I want to do is tell everyone in my life that I love them and list all the reasons why. Not a bad way to live life, huh? I wish other people felt the same way.

Life can be surprisingly uncomplicated when you choose to love people.

In other news, this video makes me just about as happy as anyone could ever wish to be.

The summer of '89.

photo: http://priscillabracks.com/

My memory is insane, truly. I can recall the most minute and obscure details from 15 years ago... maybe even more. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this certain memory- from the summer of '89; way back when I was a wee little three years old.

During the preliminary years of my life my parents would always tote me to the ever exotic destination that is Galveston, Texas. I spent a lot of time there during the summer months of my youth. I still remember sitting under what, at the time, seemed to be enormous umbrella- sippin' on Capri Sun, sportin' 'water shoes' and munching on Ziploc bags of green grapes. Usually when we would go to Galveston I would always bring along some new toys, seeing as how my birthday is in July. Many a Barbie has lost the silky feel of its synthetic hair in the briny ocean water of Galveston Bay, only to end up naked and headless at the bottom of my closet weeks later.

When I turned three I got a really cool Barbie beach setup. It contained an oblong piece of plastic sand with fake little palm trees on each end and in between there hung a pink mini hammock with orangey yellow wavy stripes. Not only was it ideal for any Barbie looking to relax, but the hammock could be removed and then converted into an fanny pack- clearly a product of the 80's. I had seen this demonstrated on the television several times via commercial. I would watch as these two little blonde haired, blue eyed, bikini clad seven year olds fastened the fanny pack around there trim little waists. I couldn't wait to do the same.

One afternoon, in our La Quinta Inn ocean view motel room, mom, dad, and myself suited/sunblocked up, preparing for a day at the beach. Dad was wearing his maroon polyester trunks and packing up the cooler with fruit rollups and juice boxes. I ran to get my Barbie hammock so that my mom could help me convert it into a fanny pack. I couldn't wait. This fanny pack was going to look pretty great with my 'body glove' one piece and 'dancing penguins in tuxedoes' beach towel.

I was looking at the beach when I felt the fanny pack pull tight against my tummy and then come loose. I turned to look at my mom who had the unfortunate task of informing me that the fanny pack was too small.

WHAT? Too small?? You mean I am too big. Suddenly, my mind was racing and I was replaying the Barbie commercial in my head. Those two girls- they had been having so much fun. The fanny pack fit them. Why not me? Quickly, comparisons were made and I realized that I looked completely different from those girls... those two little girls who probably had skinny girl names like "Katie" and "Amber." No blonde hair, blue eyes, or bikinis for me. My stomach was poochie and there's was not. What bitches. I then decided that these two girls knew that I wasn't able to wear the fanny pack and decided to appear to be having an extra super duper good time in order to rub it in my round little face.

Then, before I knew it, the tears were streaming forth. This moment in my life history marked the first moment that I ever uttered (or on this occasion screamed) the words that have since then echoed in my mind from that day on at the age of three: "I'm fat.(!!!)"

I threw a fit because I was so upset. I still remember shutting my eyes and screaming “I’m fat” before throwing myself facedown on the bed. This is a flashbulb memory for me because I feel like I can trace back all of my issues with my weight to this moment in time. This is where it all started. From that day forward I became a fat girl and it was something to work around anytime I went to Sears with my mom to shop for a new matching short set or bathing suit. I know that it seems absurd to think that, developmentally speaking, a three year old is capable of thinking or feeling this way but I am here to tell you that it is, in fact, very possible. This story makes me laugh but it’s also depressing- to think that I live in the kind of society that can prompt a three year old to think that she’s fat. I’d like to be able to say that things have changed since that day. I’d like to say that when it comes to feeling good about myself that I’m still not as fragile and easily discouraged as a three year old girl who can’t wear her Barbie fanny pack to the beach- but I just can’t. It’s in my nature to compare my body to others’ and to allow all of my attributes to take a back seat to the fact that I am ‘pushing maximum density.’ I am doing myself a disservice. I wish there was a remedy for this but I don’t know how to kill off an innate characteristic. Meh, it’s something to work on and I have to say- I think I have made progress in this area because 49% of the time I am able to look in the mirror and not grimace at what I see starring back. That number will continue to increase as I continue to work toward recognizing the good parts of myself.

But to be completely honest, there is still a little part of me that would give anything to wear that Barbie fanny pack on the beach way back in the summer of ’89.

Brand New

I brushed all of the dust off of good ol' xanga, but it quickly collected again. I've moved on to blogspot because I was attracted to its simplicity. I'm not surrounded by blogrings, virtual pets, and 'eprops' anymore- and I like that.

I have been a bit turned off by the whole blog thing. It seems like a very self indulgent practice at times for certain folks. It's like they have this attitude of "Oh, well I don't know if you've been reading my blog, but this is what I've been up to blah blah all about me." I feel like people try too hard to be whatever it is that they want to be and sometimes they'll use their blog as a medium. I know that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's just something I don't enjoy watching... so I just won't watch? Ok. Problem solved.

With that having been said- Yes, I have a blog, too. But honestly- I hope that it goes unread. I'm just writing for my benefit and mine alone- it's nice to be able to expel some of this constant internal dialogue. It drives me a little mad on occasion.

My mood has been really fantastic as of late. I've just been feeling wonderful and I don't really know why but I'm not going to question it, man. I'm just going with it.

Hello, Tomorrow.